Literary Crushing, Not Necessarily Hetero

In the comments on my Good Ways to Ruin Your Life for the Sake of Inspiration post, Popeye shared his appreciation of the character of Atticus Finch. I began a reply, then realized it would take a bit more than just a comment paragraph to respond. On my homepage, I have a list of (male) fictional characters I have lusted after. (I'd provide the link, but my homepage is all in one Flash file, and therefore I cannot currently link separate pages. I'd love for you to read it, though. It's under "Lists".) But I don't have a list of female characters. So without further ado...

Jill's Possible Same Sex Literary Crushes

1. Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter series was the first one to come to mind. She's a geek; she mothers her friends, well; she always knows where to find the information to help save their asses, and has put her own on the line more than a few times; she charmed the heck out of Viktor Krum, world-famous Quidditch star. Sure, maybe early on, her hair needed a deep-conditioning treatment, but I think she's learned to take care of that. Especially now that she's clearly got her heart set on the oh-so-oblivious Ron. This choice might make me a pedophile...but just a fictional one, right? At least I didn't say Lolita.

2. Next, I thought of Arwyn of Lord of the Rings fame. Except I don't think I actually have a crush on her. It's more like I want her immortality, or her man. Or both. She's not really fiesty enough for me. I'd love to slay her and take her place. Which is something Eowyn could have done. Now, there's a crush-worthy Tolkien woman.

3. Tinkerbell. Forget. Wendy.

At this point, this list becomes a truly informative exercise. Because, if I am limiting myself to literature...well, there aren't a whole heckuvalotof female characters that entice me. Let's examine Shakespeare. Lady Macbeth is trying to act out her own ambitions through her husband, Ophelia can't cope, Gertrude is either an adultress or too easily manipulated, Miranda is sheltered, Juliet is naive, as is poor Desdemona, Cleopatra is...Cleopatra, Cordelia is somewhat likable, though her sisters clearly aren't, the girls in Midsummer's are too simple (it is a romantic comedy, after all), but...

4. Beatrice. What a wit! And fiesty indeed.

5. Katharina. The Shrew. Taming, my ass.

6. Elphaba. From Wicked. I don't care if she's green. No, I haven't seen the musical. I may be the only person in New York, or that has visited New York in the past year or two, that hasn't. I'll get around to it.

7. Catherine, of the Pulitzer Prize-winning David Auburn play, Proof. Young but complex. Plagued by people making false assumptions about her. Some of them false, anyway. Deadpan humor. And brilliant.

8. Sabine. From Nick Bantock's Griffin & Sabine series. Bantock is an artist, illustrator, writer and creator of pop-up books. This series tells the story through the correspondence of the title characters. Each page--their letters, postcards, and the like--is an artwork. And Sabine is the mysterious woman who initiates it all. If you're the type of person who wanders through bookstores looking for things to touch, and flip through, and lose yourself in, sit down with these. The text is limited enough to read over one cup of tea, but you really won't want to leave without the book(s).

Literary crushes, anyone?

When a Man Italicizes Feet, Then It Is Okay to Take His Suggestions

"Ruining your life...is an effective path towards writerly enlightenment. You should write a post of good ways to ruin your life for the sake of inspiration."

Disclaimer: It should not be assumed that Jill or anyone that confides in Jill has ever done, or ever intends to do, or even has ever had a situation that brought to mind the thought of doing, any of these things. Though it shouldn't be assumed the opposite, either. Believe what you will.

Good Ways to Ruin Your Life for the Sake of Inspiration

1. Regularly get drunk with one of your college professors who actually lives with his girlfriend and may or may not be certifiably insane. Let nature take its course. Let this develop into a long-term relationship. Write about it. Don't finish the project, though, because you HATE plots.

2. Regularly get drunk with one of your college professors who actually lives by himself and quite possibly is gay or at least bisexual, and most likely has some sort of crush on the professor who lives with his girlfriend. Sleep with him. Refrain from killing him when he decides to cut off all communication with you even though you are still in his class. Get an A in the class and then write about all the ways you could have killed him. Get grad school credit for the writing. Sell mucho tickets at a festival.

3. Date an actor. Write about his inability to accept compliments or express his feelings. Place very high in a writing contest with the result.

4. Become best friends with your ex-boyfriend, the actor. Write about how you get nothing done when you hang out together. Simultaneously, develop crush on 400 year old dead procrastinating fictional character. Write about how delusions of conversing with aforementioned fictional character dovetail nicely with how little work you get done when hanging out with aforementioned ex-boyfriend. Write an academic essay about your creative writing about your delusions. Get grad school credit for both. Sell out run at major festival.

5. Pine.

6. Pine.

7. Pine.

8. But, you know, don't admit the truth.

9. Truth, you see, is stranger than fiction.

10. Therefore, when you write the truth, vaguely enough, people think you're creative.

11. So, you know, why live the truth, when you could just write about it?

12. It's all in the telling.

13. Run away to someone you barely know.

14. Run away with someone you barely know.

15. Think of how many hits your blog would get if all in the blogosphere knew what you'd done, and couldn't wait to hear the sordid details. Think you, possibly, wouldn't care.

16. Self-publish your multimedia journal from the excursion.

17. Sleep with some guy who's probably gay, but at the least is unsatisfying. Become buddies once you get over it. Collaborate.

18. Leave that phone message you've been dying to leave. Sit back and wait for the response. Record the conversation. Transcribe. Publish.

19. Obsessively save all your email and IM conversations. Stop going out into the real world, so that you can stay home, cut and paste them, and turn them into a novel.

20. Ignore someone for as long as you possibly can. Then let sparks fly. Chick lit is hot market.

21. Wake yourself up every two hours and force yourself to write down all the naughty dreams you're having about the person you're ignoring. Sleep deprivation may be a torture method, but clit lit is a hot market.

22. Take a shower.

If you all have any additional suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments.

Essay Questions My English Teachers Never Asked

I'm slogging through a pile of papers that need to be graded before class tonight (and another pile before Friday morning) but believe me, I'd rather be reading your blogs. So I thought I would share:

Essay Questions My English Teachers Never Asked
(But I Really Wish They Had)

Consider your answers carefully. Use specific examples and evidence from the text. In your test booklet, clearly indicate which question you are answering. You need only answer one of the three, though additional effort may warrant extra credit. Good luck!

1. Compare and contrast the kissing styles of your best male friend and his childhood buddy. Include evidence from your research. Some questions to keep in mind as you formulate your answer: Do they keep their eyes open or closed? Are they restrained enough to make sure they don’t smash your nose? Do they pay proper attention to each of your lips? Do they slobber?
This fantasy question dates from my 12th grade English class. I never did get to perform that particular experiment. Males may, of course, alter the gender. Or not. Any of you may alter the word "kissing". Hell, compare and contrast whomever you want doing whatever you want. Just make it distracting. There are a lot of essays here, and I'd rather read yours. Give me a reason to procrastinate!

2. What form of bodily excrement/secretion do you find the most fascinating? Why? Be thoughtful in your response. Feel free to include anecdotes from your life that illustrate your answer.
Honestly, I find eye snot (goop? gunk?) enthralling.

3. Compare and contrast the personality profiles and actions of Batman and Hamlet. Indicate your sources, especially if your response hinges on a particular actor's interpretation of a character. If relevant, include in your discussion other superheroes or literary figures, Deconstructionist writings, or the lyrics of random 80's bands. If you prefer, you may use your reaction to this statement as your starting point: "Batman is what would happen to Hamlet if Hamlet didn't know who killed his father."
That's an actual quote from a play I wrote, which was in the New York International Fringe Festival in 2002. It got a pretty good review.

Traditional letter grades will not be assigned, so I urge you to be candid in your responses.

Wednesday Wist will return on its regularly scheduled day once I am caught up. I am also inordinately fascinated with what's on other people's iPods (yes, I'm sort of an "iPod elitist" but don't let my political incorrectness discourage you), so I urge you to give this a try... So how do you participate in Wednesday Wist? You take whatever music player you use, put it on shuffle, grab the first 5 songs and write what that song makes you remember. If it's a new song...and you can't relate it to a memory....do you like it? Leave a comment if you do it on your site and if you don't have a site, comment your wist here! Oh...and feel free to comment about my songs as well!!!