Hey.

How are you?

I feel good.

I don't know exactly what I'm about to say right now, but I'm okay with that. In fact, I don't think I've ever been more okay with the idea of giving myself the space to go where something takes me. I like this. I like this feeling.

I've always been the kind of person to put too much pressure on myself. Often that would entail making stress out of things that should have been enjoyable. I make things because I love it and because I feel not myself when I am not making things; yet, the desire to make things as a career often causes me to put my stress-maker into overdrive. Thus, loss of pleasure.

So I'm de-stressing. And I'm cleaning. OH BOY am I cleaning. Firstly--because I made a huge mess in nearly every room of the house during the time I was producing the play. And secondly--because it's time to houseclean. Clean house. Cleanse. Purge. Make room. Air space. Breathing space. Life space. New life space.

At the moment I am not putting pressures or deadlines upon my desire to create things. I am also not babbling much. So I am not blogging so often. Once the cleaning is complete, I will likely blog more often but in a different style or perhaps with more emphasis upon the visual or perhaps more often with fiction or perhaps I don't know exactly right now, but I do know it will be different than before because I am different than before.

And I'm still going to write and continue larger writing projects but I am also going to come up with some career strategies and find different sources of income and generally just change my life in ways that will allow me to live feeling more like the me I've always wanted to be. Or thought I was. Or thought I could be.

And I'm thinking that perhaps my fervent output in the early days of this blog was something like a person looking into a mirror because without the reflection they wouldn't be sure they really existed. I think people do that in different ways, in different media, with different coping mechanisms, when they feel the self they thought they were, disappearing. Or maybe they feel themselves disappearing before they ever even became the person that they thought they would be.

It's not pretty, to feel yourself slipping away, and to wonder if you can stop it. Or worse, to not wonder, but to just let it continue because you're not sure what you would be doing if you weren't doing what you were currently doing. Or you're not sure if you have the strength or motivation to just stop and see what happens.

Or on some days, just feel sheer panic and not know what it is. Or on many nights, have nightmares you don't think you'll ever wake up from.

But now I'm sure I'm there. Here. Wherever. Not disappearing. Reappeared, reappearing. Whatever. And now I'm free to make things on whatever schedule feels most natural for me. And to do the things that I know feel right, in many cases because parts of me have been telling me to do them, consistently, for a long time. And to not do other things. For many reasons.

So here I am. If you are also here, feel free to say hello. If you are worried that you are not here, or are slowly disappearing, you should also feel free to say hello. And whatever else. People will recognize. People will realize. There are ways to reappear. There really are.