Dear Potential American "Idol" s
Don't attempt:
Dusty Springfield. Unless you can belt. I mean, really. Belt. That's all I'm going to say on the matter because those who mess with the Dusty Springfield make me want to cry. And claw.
The Zombies. Unless you've got the world-weary naughty in your voice. And the grit. "She's Not There"? NOT a song for you to go trotting through the audience high-fiving people. She lied! People cried! Can you possibly NOT be so very Barenaked Ladies about the whole thing? For freak's sake, SHE'S! NOT! THERE!
The Stones. First of all, "Paint It Black" probably shouldn't be covered. Ever. By anyone. But overlooking that, here's what I've got for you, Miss Wishing-You-Were-Pat-Benatar:
You're not.
Nor are you Mick.
You can't cover the Stones unless you can rock. And wearing carefully-shredded black does NOT magically a rocker make.
The Kinks. Unless you've actually...
you know...
had sex.
That's right, I'm looking at you, Silly Virgin Boy.
"You Really Got Me" is a seminal song. That riff is historical. That distortion is historical.
And! There is sex dripping from every apparently simple but deceptive "Oh yeah" in there. She really got him goin'. Do you know what that means? Better yet, do you know how that feels? I'm thinking that's a big fat "no".
Because if it were a "yes", you wouldn't've been skipping around on stage as if on the trail of a pretty prancing unicorn.
HE CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT!
You, on the other hand, obviously sleep very well after your mommy serves you your warm milk.
I am personally ready to make you a virgin sacrifice for what you did to that song.
Sweet, melodious dreams to you.
*The chicks that attempted the Shirley Bassey get a pass on my rancor for this week, as they sung their backsides off.
Labels: aurally-obsessed, on film and tv, rants and humor
posted by Jill at
12:03 AM
11 Comments:
I just watched the last half of that show. I am greatly dissapointed in the poor taste of people roughly my age.
The Zombies are about dark and dreadful humanity, lightning strikes of life causing brushfires of heart rending grief. They should not be covered by people friendly chubby who are smiling. You must scream like demons are dragging you down to hell ripping off the fingernails you have inbedded in life's hide. Thank god they left The Doors alone.
By
Casey, At
Wed Mar 21, 01:04:00 AM 2007
Ugh, I had the horrid misfortune to see half of "American Idol" last week when I was in Seattle. Wow.
Just.
Wow.
How people watch that show is just beyond me. They were all covering Diana Ross songs.
Wow.
By
Karl, At
Wed Mar 21, 01:06:00 AM 2007
I've already commented on other American's blogs but feel compelled to do so again.
I can only apologise from Britain for having exported this show to you guys. We called it Pop Idol and the first series featured a guy who had been the barman in my local pub. He could sing but was he a Mick J or Bono? Er - No!
I have to avoid these things as I get as frustrated as you. A couple of years ago I went with a couple of mates to see The Manfreds, which is largely most of the members of Manfred Mann - excluding Manfred himself !? However Colin Blunstone came on just to sing She's Not There. Absolutely stunning. He looks like he might struggle to make sense of the world (much like poor Peter Green of ex-Fleetwood Mac fame) these days. But the voice. Now young kids get up to cover these songs with no idea where they came from.
In our latest version (X-Factor) a very young guy is now on TV singing My Way. He's about 16! "Through it all.." Er - what all he's done nothing in life yet.
By
Further on up the road, At
Wed Mar 21, 05:30:00 AM 2007
"Paint It Black" probably shouldn't be covered.
YES!
Exactly.
By
Peter DeWolf, At
Wed Mar 21, 07:40:00 AM 2007
I enjoyed this piece and agree with all its sentiments. Well said Jill!
By
Andrew Kavanagh, At
Wed Mar 21, 08:54:00 AM 2007
Nicely put about The Zombies, Casey! As for not butchering the Doors... they were only doing British/60s this week. I'm sure when they have the "Americans You Shouldn't Attempt to Cover, Either" theme, someone will make me weep for the Doors as well.
Well, Karl, I have to say. Half of me is very happy to have not seen that episode. The other half is regretting not having had the opportunity to post about it.
Further on... I just love that guy's voice! Love it love it love it. Ever since I was a kid, trapped in the car with my parents making me listen to oldies radio stations. And now I thank them every day for keeping me trapped in there. Sometimes they do know what's good for me. Imagine! :P And also: no one should cover "My Way". Ever.
Peter, I've been thinking about making a list. But then I probably wouldn't get anything else done. Perhaps I'll ask the readers and we can do a group list. That could be fun.
Thanks, Andrew. I thought you might. (Agree.) I'd not be so presumptuous as to assume people will enjoy what I write!
By
Jill, At
Wed Mar 21, 10:04:00 AM 2007
The guys all sucked, except for that one dude who does the boxin occassionally. He was ok, there were three or four good chicks. I can't wait for therem to do the 60's American. . . . I'm sure someone is going to butcher Jimi and Janis. If you can't do it better, don't do it. THe last person to do a better cover of a 60's song was Jimi Hendrix. . . . but he did it in the 60's. All along the watchtower was originally a Bob Dylan tune that Jimi did and Bob himself said it was better the way Jimi did it. That is artistic integrity for you!
By
Spaceman Spiff, At
Wed Mar 21, 11:39:00 AM 2007
Phew, just more reasons I don't watch American Idol. Bad enough all the wretched covers I hear on online and offline radio, as well as television commercials, don't need it in my primetime television viewing as well. I know sometimes people do perform great covers, but it just isn't worth it to me to sit and wade through all the muck and mire that surrounds.
By
James Cooper, At
Wed Mar 21, 11:53:00 AM 2007
Is it just me or are shows like that ruining music... or perhaps music has already been ruined? I avoid Idol like the plague... and worse, it has been consuming House's time slot (shakes fist at Fox)
By
jedimerc, At
Wed Mar 21, 02:12:00 PM 2007
Favorite line from this post:
"You, on the other hand, obviously sleep very well after your mommy serves you your warm milk."
Hahahahaha!
By
Cheryl, At
Wed Mar 21, 06:21:00 PM 2007
I'm adding Celine Dion, Elvis, Michael Jackson and Whitney. Our Aussie idols just can't pull it off
By
Miss Natalie, At
Wed Mar 21, 08:45:00 PM 2007
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