The first rule of cruise ships: you do not sleep on cruise ships.

Part 3 of my travelogue about my cruise aboard Royal Caribbean's Voyager of the Seas.

Part 1: Jill Cruises.
Part 2: Meet Your Cruise Director, James Andrews.

Day 2: Saturday, July 3
At Sea

I hear a voice. It is a familiar voice. But is no one in this bed. I hear a familiar voice, it is no one in this bed, and it is quite possibly a talking piece of furniture. I think it’s the armoire. The armoire is speaking to me! And it is LOUD! And PERKY! And it wants me to play BINGO!

And I’m not so sure that the sun has risen yet.

There must be a button. There must be a button to make it stop. I drag myself out of the bed. I stumble toward the happily articulating piece of furniture. And just then I recognize the voice.

It’s Cuba Gooding, Jr.

Yes, of course. Cuba Gooding, Jr. has given up acting. And now he is moonlighting. As an auctioneer! On amphetamines!

Show me the bingo!

No. Actually, it’s the Assistant Cruise Director. And apparently his boss wakes his ass up really early. And now, he’s waking the rest of us up. Really. Early.

I turn the dial on the speaker to “off”. I do not know who this James Andrews character is, but Julie McCoy would never have woken me up like that.

Mind you, I know this sounds cranky. But by this point, I believe I’ve earned the prerogative to be anti-perky. I’ve spent four years floor-managing a movie theater, another two in audience services at a big-name late night television show, and another one after that at a not-for-profit arts complex. Not to mention all the short term festival and event assignments. After more than a decade of professional smiling and people-herding, I'm allowed to exercise the "off" position on the professional perkiness switch. Especially when I’ve gone too long without sufficient sleep. And especially especially, when it's not my job.

So, if you don’t mind, Misters Cruise Director and Assistant, I’m going back to sleep now. If you know what's good for you, you'll chill out until I flip the switch myself.

*****

Things to do at sea when you don’t want to play nice with the staff or your fellow vacationers:
Sleep.
Bathe.
Eat breakfast.
(Oh shoot, we’re in the dining room, and they’re going to want us to be social. Leave.)
Soak in Jacuzzi.
Swim.
Sit by pool.
Bathe again.

*****

Mid-afternoon of my first day without caffeine. Cruising is now like being rocked to sleep all day. I open the balcony door, curl up on the bed not two feet away, and fall blissfully asleep. The breeze, paired with the air conditioner, cools me, so I grab the blanket. Ah, sweet naps.

But it’s not just staff on this ship that likes to wake me up; it’s anything with a Y chromosome. The BF has returned from his massage appointment (mine is tomorrow), and he is standing over the bed laughing. “What are you, a taco?”

I look at myself. I had grabbed the far edge of the bedcover sometime during my nap, and pulled it only halfway over my body, leaving most of me exposed to the ocean breeze. Did I mention blissful? What would be the problem here? Can men on this ship really not let a sleeping woman lie?

Well, fine! As long as I’m awake!

I may be resolved to avoid “organized fun!” but there’s no way I’m going ten days without a workout, especially considering the 24 hour availability of all things icy, creamy, and chocolatey. And given that I‘ve been uncharacteristically handling this particular case of jet lag like a total amateur, I figure I’ll ease back into my routine gently with a stretch class. I don’t consider time spent with a necessarily perky fitness instructor a breach of my resolution

But if I did, I’d still be safe. Perky? Anything but. In fact, the phrase “militant life-sized Barbie” comes to mind. Though my obliques get a good stretch, and that’s really the priority just before donning the bikini. Still…afterwards, when I inquire about yoga classes, I ask who will be teaching. Just to be mentally prepared. And apparently, it will be an Eastern European martial arts champion! Fucking fabulous. I’m pretty sure he won’t let me sleep, either.

*****

Note to all of you arriving here via web-search for Royal Caribbean and/or Cruise Director James Andrews: Though I have not yet finished publishing this serial, I will state that I have nothing but the best things to say about my cruise experience and only the highest praise for James and the job that he does. My sarcasm is strictly for entertainment purposes.