Thursday, July 06, 2006

That was a compliment. I swear.

in bridesmaid's dress, bride's bathroom

Yes, I know that picture is blurry.

I have returned from bridesmaid-land, none the worse for having had to wear celedon satin.

And I am ready to resume our regularly scheduled blog. Let me tell you what I am thinking about.

("What, Jill? What exactly are you thinking about?")

I just said I was going to tell you!

As I was showering this morning, I had a chat with two of the characters from the play I am working on. You know, sadistic but sexy Male Muse forces perfectly innocent (I can hear you snorting!) female Playwright to write a play about deceptively unassuming Human Guy who lives as far away from her as humanly possible.

So Male Muse and Playwright are having it out in my head. At one point, Playwright, turned on by his stubbornness (I wonder where she gets that from...) blurts out something exceedingly complimentary. Well... in her mind.

But the statement comes out kinda... um... backhanded.

Wonder wonder where she gets that from? No need. I'll tell you.

The scene reminded me of a rather priceless moment from my life. A Classic Jill Moment, if you will. Let me set it up for you:

Here I am, on the phone, trying to explain to a human being of the male persuasion, who may or may not be the creature on which one or more of the male characters in this play is based (and wouldn't it be apropos if he were?), why I had not taken an earlier opportunity to talk to him.

Human Being of Male Persuasion: I really wish you'd spoken to me then.

(Yes, he really used that phrasing. "I. Really. Wish.")

The reply to this statement is obvious, right? Especially if it's the truth? And it was. I easily could have said it: "Me, too."

But nooooooooooo.

Nothing Jill does is ever quite so simple. Jill's default setting is to have all obvious replies on "bypass". Even the truthful ones.

Especially the truthful ones.

Jill is thinking "How exactly do I say something nice like 'I didn't know what to say' or... well, something... nice. Without being so... uh... predictable? God, how I hate predictable! But, yes... truthful. And nice."

Jill's brain, however, gets so distracted by the "truthful" part that it grabs onto the closest synapse-jumper passing for the truth...

...one which perhaps hadn't yet crossed the chasm between "veracity" and "edited for public consumption".

On the bright side, though, it probably wouldn't be classified as predictable.

Jill replies...

(Drumroll, please.)

"Oh man, I was avoiding you like the fucking plague."

...

...

...

End scene.

Labels: , ,

posted by Jill at 4:52 PM

28 Comments:

  • Ow! Man, Jill, that hurt ME and I don't even know the poor guy. I hope you made up for it later, somehow. Poor guy's confidence is probably completely shot now.

    Oh, and I tried to leave a comment earlier on an earlier post, since I'm getting caught up on my blog reading, but Blogger hates me and ate it.
    The gist of that comment, BTW, was I love your writing and have from the first post I read. (Which was your number one choice the other day on that thing you did to celebrate your blogaversery.)

    By Anonymous Network Geek, At Thu Jul 06, 08:14:00 PM 2006  

  • I think I said other things that may have made up for it, but I'll let more guys comment and scold me before I give any further context.

    Thank you, by the way. I received an email of that comment, so it tried to post.

    By Blogger Jill, At Thu Jul 06, 08:33:00 PM 2006  

  • Jill... you're sounding like a man! :P

    By Blogger ChickyBabe, At Thu Jul 06, 08:42:00 PM 2006  

  • It just "slipped out". I swear! ;)

    By Blogger Jill, At Thu Jul 06, 08:55:00 PM 2006  

  • You can stop avoiding the plague now, Jill. It's pretty much not a going concern.

    I'd still avoid that dude though.

    Hello, Jill.

    By Blogger scott, At Thu Jul 06, 09:23:00 PM 2006  

  • No, you see, Scott, he's not as bad as the plague. In fact, I'd say he's pretty much the exact opposite of the plague, if the plague can have its antithesis in a single human creature.

    Wait! Yet another compliment!

    "You are the exact opposite of the plague, if the plague can have its antithesis in a single human creature! What, that's the best compliment you've ever received? Well, you know, that's why I'm a writer!"

    By Blogger Jill, At Thu Jul 06, 09:31:00 PM 2006  

  • So, is he the opposite of the plague taking into account the fact that the plague is really not a problem anymore, or the opposite of the proverbial plague of yore?

    Maybe it would be best to avoid plague-related compliments. Instead just tell him, "You get me hot like rheumatic fever" or "When I see you my heart swells like I have... well... rheumatic fever again actually."

    Hello again.

    By Blogger scott, At Thu Jul 06, 09:38:00 PM 2006  

  • I would say he is the exact opposite of the proverbial plague of yore, which basically turned your insides to melted mush in a literal way (NOT A METAPHOR). Whereas, a great guy will only turn your insides to mush in a metaphorical way (METAPHOR). Parenthetical comments for Brando's benefit. I didn't realize we had to specify. I take a few days off from the blogosphere and all the damn rules change!

    By Blogger Jill, At Thu Jul 06, 09:56:00 PM 2006  

  • Hmm - a lot of white European descended people are actually immune from the plague due to good old natural selection. The plague as a particular route into the immune system and as it swept through Europe in the middle ages a small part of the population had a genetic quirk that meant that the little bit of the immune system we’re talking about here actually was twisted in some way and the plague virus simply couldn’t latch onto it and get in like it did in “normal” people. Therefore white Europeans now have a statistically much higher chance of this quirk than other races.

    So statistically there was less reason for you to avoid him like the plague if you come from stock that was exposed to the plague in the middle ages.

    A little quirk of this is that recent research shows this is the same route taken by AIDS to get into the immune system and that is why it never reached the epidemic levels predicted in the early 80s in Europe and USA etc. However it does explain why it is at those levels in sub-Saharan Africa ….. They never had the plague.

    Sorry – I’m just adding to the fun here. :-) Lovely honest piece.

    By Blogger Further on up the road, At Fri Jul 07, 03:16:00 AM 2006  

  • Jill two things.

    First so good to see other people have that problem with self aware voices having conversations in their heads. The only time I’ve been able to alleviate the background noise was under heavy medication. Which, as soon as I realised what it had done, I ceased to take because I like those little conversations.

    Second I have the same almost tourettes like ability to say exactly what I’m thinking without engaging any of the normal social protocols like subtlety, diplomacy, feelings. I suffer very heavily from “foot-in-mouth” syndrome.

    Oh and finally I do feel for your victim. I can almost see him standing there bottom lip trying very hard not to pout.

    By Blogger meekon5, At Fri Jul 07, 04:43:00 AM 2006  

  • Sounds like something I'd say.
    Shame on you! :P

    By Blogger Steph, At Fri Jul 07, 04:47:00 AM 2006  

  • Funny thing is that he would have heard:

    "Oh man, I was avidly fucking you in my play."

    Men, eh?

    Wombat

    By Blogger Wombat & Aspen, At Fri Jul 07, 08:26:00 AM 2006  

  • Further on: Cool! I love genetics. Have you read Mapping Human History by Steve Olson? I thought it was fascinating.

    Meekon5: Oh yeah, I converse with myself all the time. If you look under "Cast of Characters" in my sidebar, there are a few posts of me talking to other me's.

    Steph: I was afraid you were going to say that.

    Gosh, Wombat, I hope that's what he heard. Because he deserves to know the truth.

    By Blogger Jill, At Fri Jul 07, 09:03:00 AM 2006  

  • Oh well, 'better than a kick in the groin, I suppose. But only slightly better.

    Given the choice of a kick in the groin, the plague, a spanking, or what you said, I would choose the last. No wait! The third.

    By Anonymous peefer, At Fri Jul 07, 09:36:00 AM 2006  

  • Well, if he would like to make the same choice, I'm happy to oblige.

    By Blogger Jill, At Fri Jul 07, 09:51:00 AM 2006  

  • Wow. How is a comment like that even an option?

    By Blogger -J, At Fri Jul 07, 09:59:00 AM 2006  

  • I statement like that I'd actually understand. Sometimes we avoid the things we want the most becasue we know there is to much involved with it.

    By Blogger Croaker, At Fri Jul 07, 10:00:00 AM 2006  

  • J: Because it was the truth. A bit exaggerated, yes, but I had been avoiding him. He already knew that, though, so the comment wasn't from as far out in left field as it sounds.

    Croaker: I can't tell you how many things I've avoided somehow due to the fact that I wanted them too much.

    By Blogger Jill, At Fri Jul 07, 10:10:00 AM 2006  

  • Why were you avoiding him, Jill? Was it because you liked him or because he liked you or because he smelled kinda funny?

    You never struck me as a girl that would hide her feelings like that, but you are a woman.

    By Blogger -J, At Fri Jul 07, 11:48:00 AM 2006  

  • Well, plagues are generally a good thing to avoid. So is plaque. Maybe "I was avoiding your like plaque" would have been better.

    By Blogger Popeye, At Fri Jul 07, 01:06:00 PM 2006  

  • sorry, you'll get no scolding from me. i try not to assume too much about the conversations between human beings of male/female persuasions.

    now, had you shown him up for ice cream, perhaps i'd be a little more judgmental. because that would have been cruel.

    By Blogger ducklet, At Fri Jul 07, 01:24:00 PM 2006  

  • I think synapse-bypassing is more common than the plague. At least in my experience.

    If people said what the meant to say instead of what comes out, what kind of world would it be really? Beyond less conflicted, I mean.

    By Anonymous Jennifer, At Fri Jul 07, 06:19:00 PM 2006  

  • -J, I was avoiding him because I hadn't yet decided what to say. Which is ironic, because when he asked me why I was avoiding him I pretty much ended up doing what I was trying to avoid doing by avoiding him. And that, my friends, is poetic justice.

    Popeye, I'll try that next time. Right after I tell him that he gets me hot like rheumatic fever.

    Cruel, indeed, Ducky. Luckily for you, your victim is quick to forgive. But not to let you forget.

    The world would be certainly less intriguing, Jennifer. With no motivating force for me to write comedy. And maybe we'd all get laid more quickly. But it probably wouldn't be as rewarding. Less build-up of sexual tension and all.

    By Blogger Jill, At Fri Jul 07, 06:44:00 PM 2006  

  • Couldn't he sense the sarcasm. I got it and I couldn't even hear your voice. Maybe it's because I do the same thing, that I can see it in others.

    By Blogger Cheetarah1980, At Sat Jul 08, 09:59:00 AM 2006  

  • jill wouldn't be jill if jill didn't say that!
    luv u 4 it

    By Blogger tina, At Sat Jul 08, 12:05:00 PM 2006  

  • Yikes, you look so sexy in a blur...
    Wonder how you appear when you are focused :)

    By Blogger Zee, At Sun Jul 09, 12:25:00 PM 2006  

  • I tend to relive and realize somethings about my wanderings in the shower as well, but Jill dear, nothing has topped this.

    Oh yes, here I am. Hello.

    By Blogger Janet, At Sun Jul 09, 06:29:00 PM 2006  

  • Cheetarah, usually I'm quite sarcastic. But I'm afraid this time, it wasn't meant ironically at all.

    Thanks, Tina. Good to know that that's who I am.

    Well, Zee, there are lots of focused pictures. Be my guest and have a look. And thanks for the compliment.

    Janet! I've missed you!! Really really!! I'm not sure how to take that "nothing has topped this" bit, though. Like, "nothing has topped this for sheer foot-in-mouth idiocy?"

    By Blogger Jill, At Mon Jul 10, 02:18:00 PM 2006  

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