his turn.

I always let each of my main characters have a rant about something. Or go off on some strange tangent that exposes the inner workings of their twisted psyche. This guy: sexiest fictional character in the well of lost plots. Swoon. And something of a freak. Control and otherwise.

HER
It’s a big universe. With a lot of places I haven’t been. A couple more continents on this planet alone. Of course, I can’t imagine that I’d be too attached to Antarctica. Not a big fan of the cold. But I do want to visit the penguins.

HIM
And fuck.

HER
Fuck penguins?

HIM
No, fuck on every continent. Something to reach for.

HER
Oh, is that what you want to compare?

HIM
No. Definitely not. You and I are not comparing that.

HER
What’s that supposed to mean?

HIM
That means you’re a female.

HER
So we can’t talk about this?

HIM
No, it means we shouldn’t talk about this.

HER
Ok. I’ll bite.

HIM
Ouch. Let’s not use that again.

HER
Tell me why. Why shouldn’t we talk about this.

HIM
All right. Let’s say we don’t compare. And, you know, things progress. And we, you know. Let’s say. Let’s just say. You’re a female, I’m a male. That could happen. That is the primary reason why we shouldn’t talk about this. Now, I know you’ve slept with men before me. And most likely, here. On this continent. Where you’ve spent the majority of your life. I’m fine with that. But now, let’s say, you start a new project. And it takes us to Europe. And we do it again. Even better. But this is someplace you possibly haven’t done it before. So now I know I’m on your scorecard for the non-home continents. But it’s okay, because I don’t know who else is on it. Or where else.

HER
And if you don’t know what’s on it, then you can pretend like it doesn’t exist.

HIM
Yes, but not because I don’t think you have. Or should have. It’s not about competing with you. So we just did Europe and I start a new card. For the both of us.

HER
And you still have your own.

HIM
Yes, I have my own, but that’s not the point here. You still have your own. I’m not taking it away. I just don’t want to know what’s on it.

HER
You’d be pissed off if I’ve fucked on more continents than you.

HIM
No. I don’t want to compete with you. Because you and I, we’re on the same team. Whatever you’ve done before is about to become irrelevant, because we’re going to do all seven at this point. We have a mutual goal. So at this point, we’ve done it on two continents. And I think, “Cool. Five more to go.” No pressure though. This will be fun.

But now let’s say we have this conversation first. And I know what’s on your scorecard. So let’s say, you’ve told me all about your escapades, and I don’t know, I now know… you… screwed some guy… you met… backpacking… in Germany.

HER
Okay, that so didn’t happen. It was like freezing out, and those boys wanted to go to an outdoor rave—at a concentration camp. But now, if you’d said—

HIM
I don’t want to know. That’s my point. Because if I know that—if I have official confirmation—then that’s what comes to mind after round two. Not “Hey, five more to go.” But, “Hey, there are still two or three or however many continents she’s already fucked other men on.” So now, I have to re-cover everything you’ve already done, so I know you have no official need to keep your original scorecard. If we’d never compared, we could just hit all seven at a very leisurely pace. Knowing that you and I are on the same team, I could be man enough to put aside if you’re a point or two ahead. Because one of these days, we’re going to be even.

But now, I am in a situation where I feel like I have to rush. I don’t like to rush. So in that moment, it’s not your score I care about. It’s their score. It’s not about how many continents you’ve fucked on that I haven’t; it’s about how many continents other men have fucked you on that I haven’t. And—because we compared—I can’t rest until I know your original scorecard is obsolete. Gone is our leisurely pace. Now, instead of just “Two down, five to go,” it’s “Two down, five to go, when’s the next flight to Rio?”

And that is why you and I are not going to have this conversation.