Friday, May 12, 2006

T - 30 Seconds

DSC02325

We all have unstated assumptions lurking in our subconscious. We don't know they are there, but they color our vision. It is a revelation each time one is exposed, a colored wire peeking through the slice in the insulated covering. It looks delicate, but cut through it and you just might fry.

Here's my revelation for today: GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

Well, that's the just the conclusion, not so much the revelation.

In 2005, I passed one of those milestone birthdays so infamous for their tendency to throw the most "together" person into a tailspin. And I wouldn't really have called myself "together" before the birthday, so you can imagine where it left me. It wasn't the number that bothered me, but that's about all I could discern. I had several different groups of people throw me parties; I had a meltdown nonetheless.

Here's my revelation from my birthday: GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

I think I'd always assumed that I would be "settled" by now. I'm not disappointed because I am not; I am actually terrified that I will become settled. Here. In a place I never wanted to live*; living a life that I never wanted on a conscious level, but am suddenly realizing that my subconscious believes is THE WAY IT WILL END UP.

WHOA THERE, little subconscious! If you're not with the rest of me, how the hell is the rest of me going to get anywhere?

You see, the plan had always been, live as I please while I'm "young", (whatever that might be) and when I settle down, great. But it's taking me a bit longer to get to the living as I please part, and as it takes up that time, it's inching closer to that time that subconsciously was the upward limit on when I would "settle down". So, when my birthday came around I had this panic attack (though I didn't know why at the time) that the time I had allotted for "living as I please" would be GONE before I could do the aforementioned living, transitioning WITHOUT ESCAPE into the settled stage, leaving me, effectually, living a continuous life in a place I never wanted to be in the first place.

It's time to reprogram the rocket.

I've been around the world and back again. It's still not enough. I need my travels to be my lifestyle, NOT the escape that vacation is to the faces I see all around me. And I need my subconscious to believe that it's actually going to happen.

I DON'T WANT to WANT TO ESCAPE my life. So I'd better make a life that I'm happy to stick around in.


*For those of you not familiar with the NYC area, I live in Staten Island, which is a borough of and therefore technically a part of NYC. Technically, it's not "a suburb" but the population is working-to-middle-to-upper-middle-class families. The focus is on making families. I could go on, but I won't. Please just try to make the appropriate analogy with an area in a city near your home so I don't have to type what I am really thinking. Thank you.

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posted by Jill at 1:18 PM

21 Comments:

  • I think you'll do just fine. I have been there too. It's interesting if we stop and ask "Do I want this? or do I think I should want it?"

    So, is the Island like Stepford?

    By Blogger Cheryl, At Fri May 12, 02:44:00 PM 2006  

  • Hi. I just stumbled into your universe here. I like it, so I thought I'd leave a fingerprint.

    By Blogger chris, At Fri May 12, 03:11:00 PM 2006  

  • Cheryl, well yes, there's that. But there are a lot of great things here (like free yoga on the beach and some cool museums and a lot of parks to get lost in) but it's not where Jill is at right now. And thank you, Cheryl.

    Well, it's a good thing I'm not a neat freak, then, Chris. :)

    By Blogger Jill, At Fri May 12, 03:23:00 PM 2006  

  • Oh, you live on Staten Island? That explains everything, then.

    I say you quit your job and work as a freelance photographer for National Geographic. Let them send you around the world.

    Or you could write for Fodor's.

    Everyone says these are just fantasy jobs, but maybe one of them has YOUR name written on it. How will you know if you don't look?

    Or maybe you have, in which case I'll just shut up now.

    By Blogger the Caitlinator, At Fri May 12, 03:27:00 PM 2006  

  • I keep trying to convince myself that where I live has nothing to do with my quality of life, that what I do with my time and those around me is the key, that I should be able to find contentment in any situation. It's should all be a matter of perspective and attitude.

    But my subconcious self doesn't buy it.

    I lived in Vancouver for seven years, away from all my roots. The time was positively influential and influentially positive. Being away from the nest for more than a vacation—truly living as me#151;is such a good thing. At least it was for me.

    Hi.

    By Anonymous peefer, At Fri May 12, 04:13:00 PM 2006  

  • Sorry, I don't mean to suggest that I am #151. Surely somebody already has claim to that number.

    By Anonymous peefer, At Fri May 12, 04:15:00 PM 2006  

  • Caitlinator, you are correct. And I have begun looking. This might take awhile.

    Hi Peefers, you are correct as well. But I don't know where Me wants to live. Especially since, as you know, there are so many me's in here.

    Yah, I was wondering what that number was about. For a second I thought you were taunting me, that you somehow knew that that's the class # I am teaching right now, and you were rubbing it in that I still have a pile of final papers to read. But I didn't think you would ever be that cruel to me.

    By Blogger Jill, At Fri May 12, 04:58:00 PM 2006  

  • i always have similar problems whenever i start having conversation with that subsconscious guy, too.
    you put it nicely though.

    By Blogger treespotter, At Fri May 12, 05:17:00 PM 2006  

  • i switched to a credit card that earns frequent flier miles with every purchase. it's made all the difference in the world.

    By Blogger kat, At Fri May 12, 05:53:00 PM 2006  

  • One of my favorite quotes from Kundera is, "Happiness is the longing for repetition." The more I "grow up" the more I have embraced the saying. Whatever you decide in regards to your own life, will you promise to keep writing?

    By Blogger Grad School Reject, At Fri May 12, 08:07:00 PM 2006  

  • It sounds as if you are living in a settled community where you are tripping over baby strollers, loving couples walking hand in hand, the wife bringing the husband a cold drink while he fixes something, and you are not of that culture. What was that Robert A. Heinlein book? Stranger in a Strange Land.

    By Blogger Washington Cube, At Fri May 12, 10:36:00 PM 2006  

  • Once again Jill, you're living in my "suburb". But does that mean they're really happy?

    By Blogger ChickyBabe, At Fri May 12, 10:40:00 PM 2006  

  • I'm living that "Staten Island" type life in a suburb of Detroit.

    I'm married with two kids who are growing up faster than I could have ever imagined.

    My life is always changing, evolving from year to year. I still feel "unsettled" at times.

    Each day I try to spend some time alone - away from work and the hustle 'n bustle of family obligations.

    By Blogger Motor City Monk, At Sat May 13, 12:12:00 AM 2006  

  • Caitlinator stole my ideas. Dammit. I guess all I really have to offer you now is the reassurance that what you are experiencing is fairly common. Even I have experienced a pang of that. I think that's what my mid-life crisis will be like, once I get old enough to have one. However, I think women often experience this earlier than men, which makes sense, given that yoou generally mature faster than us too.

    The idea is that you alwasy thought there would be more time. Time after high-school, or after college, or after graduate school, or after you got your career in order, or after .... The truth is there never is a perfect time for anything. It's all about priorities.

    Good luck, Jill. You're going to do awesome. Soon you'll be blogging from different places across the globe on a constant basis. I just hope you also are able to find a way to blend that into some sort of "settled" life. (If that's really what you want.)

    By Blogger -J, At Sat May 13, 09:30:00 AM 2006  

  • You know, if you feel like you need a new place to be, the best way to figure it out is by traveling around, right? That's what people keep telling me, anyway.

    So maybe that's your next step -- visit some places that sound intriguing and see how you feel about them. Let's pick a state at random to start with, shall we? Hmmm. Maybe you should go to, (and this is just off the top of my head), ummmmm...Colorado! That's it! Colorado.

    By Blogger Amber, At Sat May 13, 10:34:00 AM 2006  

  • I so miss traveling....so so much...

    By Blogger Brookelina, At Sat May 13, 12:03:00 PM 2006  

  • Yes, Treespotter, conversing with ourselves can be strange at times. But these are the ramblings of a trained professional on a closed course.

    Oh, Kat, I should try that. Right now my credit cards earn me gift certificates to purchase clothes that I probably don't need.

    I shall promise to keep writing, Grad School Reject, but only because you've asked so nicely! The Unbearable Lightness of Being made me unbearably sad when I read it, but that was nearly a decade ago. Perhaps I'll try it again and see what I get this time.

    Washington Cube, I am not of this world... Which reminds me of one of my favorite Soul Asylum songs, "Homesick". I'll spare you the tangent. Your description makes it sound more delightful,though. This is more like screaming kids throwing food at their mothers in the mall.

    No, of course not, CB. I just think I need a different image-stream.

    Motor City Monk, please don't think I'm being condescending to those living a family life. I'm not; I want a family someday (or so I think at the moment). I'm just not there at this moment, and as I just mentioned, I think I need a different image-stream to sustain my brain.

    Thanks for the reassurance, -J. I appreciate it.

    That's an awesome idea, Amber! I bet you just threw a dart at a map and... Hey, I know, Jill should go to Colorado! Ah, someday, I'm coming to hang out.

    Oh, Brooke! You sound like you need a hug.

    /hugs

    By Blogger Jill, At Sat May 13, 03:14:00 PM 2006  

  • Time for road trip.
    ;)

    By Blogger Elle, At Sat May 13, 05:31:00 PM 2006  

  • I second Washington Cube. But then, it seems no matter where we go we are always different from everyone else. You are young-at-heart Jill, I hope you don't settle too soon, or you might settle for less.

    Oh yes. GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

    By Blogger Janet, At Sat May 13, 09:21:00 PM 2006  

  • I am quickly approaching a rather significant birthday, and I find myself thinking over many of the same things you mention here with much more regularity these days.

    Growing up, I had a picture of what my life would (read: should) be like when I turned 30, and that picture couldn't be further from my reality. And while there are some things in that picture that I do wish had happened by now, there are also some unexpected things that I would never give up if I had to do it all over again.

    Thanks for the acknowledgements! I'm glad you're enjoying the album. If you're ever going to be out in CA, drop me an email and I'll let you know if there's a show. I'm glad to have "met" through the Lost Bloggers thing -- you're an amazing writer!

    By Blogger Nicole, At Mon May 15, 07:12:00 PM 2006  

  • I'm glad to have met you as well. I very much enjoyed your interpretation of Helen of Troy! And of course I am also enjoying the album. Several people close to me travel to CA for business frequently, so I might just tag along one of these days. :)

    By Blogger Jill, At Mon May 15, 09:51:00 PM 2006  

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