Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Despair and Loathing in New York City

Today I lack perspective and know not where to find it. I’m usually in over-stock, and people come to me to get some: family, friends, students, acquaintances. Today I am depleted.

My day is a string of things I can’t ever seem to finish, meals I have to remind myself to eat, and showers that are always way too short. My life has gotten away.

I’d like to go to sleep for a few days, or at least just stay in bed. I already had to cancel one get-together; I don’t have the voice for normal conversation. I am silent.

One quarter of my students were on time for class today. They were the ones who were worried because they missed the last class, when their papers were due. Demoralizing.

Two piles of papers I will likely not finish before class tomorrow. Another set arriving on Monday. Futile.

I look forward to nothing. Except maybe to the publication of things I don’t have time to write and the production of plays I don’t have time to workshop. But these are airy promises, nothings that have kept me running on nothing in the hopes I could finish something. I am exhausted.

I hate that I am writing this. But I want write something. And despair and loathing are all that are in stock right now.

Labels: , , ,

posted by Jill at 8:39 PM

31 Comments:

  • Despair and loating are powerful emotions. Like everything you put into your writing, they have a right to be put into words.

    There's no need to feel remorse for writing this post. You've captured a moment in time.

    By Blogger ChickyBabe, At Wed Apr 05, 09:14:00 PM 2006  

  • There is seriously something going around. My cousin and her husband stopped by today and vented something similar (though not as articulate); I vented something like this to them as well. I'm starting to wonder if there's something in the stars.

    Try to take a moment for yourself, even if it means stealing that moment from someone else.

    By Blogger Megan, At Wed Apr 05, 10:17:00 PM 2006  

  • I wish I could give you everything you want. That would be awesome.

    I'm on the road on business. I'm in the Best Western in Lafayette, LA. I just ate at the Cracker Barrel next door, and I bought Chuckles to bring back to the room with me. The first time I bought them (the only other time) was because you wrote about giving them to your dad and then I saw them on the shelf, having never seen them before. I thought of you again when I bought them today. I bet I always will.

    Little things like that. They're funny.

    Hello, Jill.

    By Blogger scott, At Wed Apr 05, 10:20:00 PM 2006  

  • That's a good way to look at it, CB. Thanks.

    Good advice, Megan. It probably will have to involve stealing it from someone else!

    Scott, this made me smile. I remember when you sent me that email. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed the Chuckles.

    By Blogger Jill, At Wed Apr 05, 10:40:00 PM 2006  

  • It's better than fear and loathing, which has already been written about.

    In other news, I held an anaconda today. Get your mind out of the gutter. It was a real anaconda.

    You better be laughing.

    By Blogger Brookelina, At Wed Apr 05, 10:56:00 PM 2006  

  • Ah yes.
    The despair of the overworked.
    The ennui of an ordered existence.
    Shake things up Babe.
    You need a vaction.
    You need some Jill time.
    No writing, just enjoying.
    Living out the plays you write.
    The joy of life is in the unexpected, not in the expected.
    Of course thats also where the fear is too.
    But hey, fear is better than ennui ain't it?

    By Blogger trueborn, At Thu Apr 06, 12:34:00 AM 2006  

  • Despair and loathing were well stocked on Cape Cod today, too. Tomorrow will be better.

    By Blogger Patry Francis, At Thu Apr 06, 12:38:00 AM 2006  

  • I have no advice other than this: listen to your body, then tell it to shut up. It's a bummer when work and extra projects won't allow any recovery time.

    By Blogger The Grunt, At Thu Apr 06, 12:55:00 AM 2006  

  • Ben and Jerry's? Rescue Jill!

    By Blogger Janet, At Thu Apr 06, 12:55:00 AM 2006  

  • Like Chicky said, don't be sad for writing an emotional post about a bad day. They are going to happen, but let's hope you don't see another one of them for a while Hang in there and enjoy some frozen cream, B & J style.

    By Blogger Egan, At Thu Apr 06, 01:10:00 AM 2006  

  • Use the stair method of grading.
    1. Sort papers into two pile, students you like and students you...well...don't
    2. Stand at the top of a flight of stairs.
    3. Drop the pile of papers from those students you like at your feet.
    4. Throw the other pile down the stairs.
    5. The top stair is A+ the next step down A and so-on all the way to F...
    6. Which ever step the paper lands on determines the student's grade.

    Easy.

    Backup Note: When one student comes to you claiming that they gave the same argument as another and yet recieved an F to that student's A...ask to see both papers, peruse them infront of the students (the more the merrier) then look at the "F" student and than them for their honesty and acadeic integrity...and mark the "A" also an "F"...Students will no longer share papers or complain about grades.

    By Blogger Indiana, At Thu Apr 06, 02:31:00 AM 2006  

  • Blame it on the April snows. After a weekend of shorts and flip-flops, I know my mood was soured by the sensation of sleet hitting my face on the way to work.

    By Blogger Dustin, At Thu Apr 06, 08:38:00 AM 2006  

  • Only fools are satisfied....

    I hope today is better and brighter, young Jill.

    By Blogger -J, At Thu Apr 06, 08:49:00 AM 2006  

  • Apparently Ms. Jill has a little too much on her plate at the moment. We all get overwhelmed at times. Most of what we have on our plates is stuff we give too much importance to. You'll get through and the motivation will pick up. FYI - People that live near glaciers know when spring is going to break (and make the glacier unsafe to walk on) by the temperment of the town. People get angry for no reason and are generally irritable and unproductive in the few weeks before the winter breaks. They would have a big celebration to usher out the winter and welcome the birth of spring. You are just in the last of the winter blahs. . . . either that or really "toey". A good celebration could take care of both possibilities.

    By Blogger lil'bitty, At Thu Apr 06, 09:17:00 AM 2006  

  • follow-up clarification. . . I know you don't live near a glacier, but the effects are really drastic close to glaciers - like murder and such over imagined slights, people freezing to death because they refused to build a fire because it wasn't their turn type of stuff. Further away, the effects are more subtle. Have a party!

    By Blogger lil'bitty, At Thu Apr 06, 09:20:00 AM 2006  

  • I'm sorry Jill.

    By Blogger Momentary Academic, At Thu Apr 06, 09:56:00 AM 2006  

  • I have always wanted to be a teacher. Then I read this. Now I'm not so sure. Hmmm...

    I hope it all works out and that you get all your stuff worked out.

    By Anonymous Kevin, At Thu Apr 06, 09:59:00 AM 2006  

  • By writing that, by coming here and baring feelings that may not seem attractive, you have accomplished something. Its the person that completely shuts down that has nothing but despair. Being overwhelmed is just another emotion - at least your feeling it, right? Take care.

    By Blogger Meg, At Thu Apr 06, 10:04:00 AM 2006  

  • Aww, Jill. You know I completely understand your despair and loathing. And even though you may not have the voice or the words, you know my email and know I'm here for you to vent. *MWAH*

    By Blogger Amber, At Thu Apr 06, 10:09:00 AM 2006  

  • May I suggest a day (when you can arrange it) of "checking out." A day of pajamas, and DVD's that have been on a list that you want to see. Nothing is as refreshing to me, as spending day away from your routine and responsibilities. Along with a mid-day nap, a day of sloth is refreshing. (Just a thought Jill) Hope you feel better soon.

    3T

    By Anonymous 3rdtimesacharm( 3T ), At Thu Apr 06, 10:16:00 AM 2006  

  • There was this annoying little red-headed orphan chick I knew once who was always singing about how hard her life was and how the sun was going to come out tomorrow and all that happy crappy. Her web of self-delusional lies spun ever-thicker, until the burdon became too great. She grew up to be a hooker in Times Square.

    It's much better for you to be open with your feelings of despair. And I'm on board with 3T (above)...find a way to take a "Jill" day, rent a bunch of DVDs, and stay in your PJs and eat ice cream all day.

    Extra points if the DVDs are midget porn.

    By Blogger J, At Thu Apr 06, 12:32:00 PM 2006  

  • Whoa...there's another "J" out there in Blogland? (see comment #13) Have I been the victim of identity theft? Do I have an evil twin?

    It's all very disconcerting...

    By Blogger J, At Thu Apr 06, 12:34:00 PM 2006  

  • You could definitely be in my head right now. I'm in a very similar place. But at least we know we aren't alone. Hang in there.

    By Blogger Cheryl, At Thu Apr 06, 01:45:00 PM 2006  

  • Sorry things are hard right now, but you do write so beautifully about it.
    Hang in there...allergies are KILLER this season. TequilaCon is fast approaching!

    By Blogger Sarah, At Thu Apr 06, 02:00:00 PM 2006  

  • Big hugs, J.

    Don't worry about writing about your feelings. Who wants to read an always-happy blog? That would be freaky. Better off seeing you're human.

    By Blogger Faltenin, At Thu Apr 06, 02:51:00 PM 2006  

  • Jill, you could throw your to-do list up here, and it would be eloquent and heartfelt.

    Be good to yourself, rest well, and know that, in my experience at least, perspective is that thing you're sure to find when you're not sure what it is you're looking for. It will come to you, of that I have no doubt.

    By Anonymous Jennifer, At Thu Apr 06, 04:16:00 PM 2006  

  • Hey all,
    Thanks for the heartfelt words, the support, and the jokes. I'm still here... Only one more day of work before spring break!:) Will write more later!

    By Blogger Jill, At Thu Apr 06, 06:00:00 PM 2006  

  • Spring Break? That was weeks ago!

    By Blogger at the Lake, At Thu Apr 06, 08:42:00 PM 2006  

  • You're just clearing your head to make room for that mind-blowing inspirational idea to pop into it, when you least expect it... We all go through the blahs- Even someone as fearless & talented as Jill! ; )
    ~Fab : )

    By Blogger Officially Fabulous, At Thu Apr 06, 10:58:00 PM 2006  

  • Hey, you've got us!

    (Thinks: hmmm, maybe that's not yer actual plus...)

    By Anonymous anaglyph, At Thu Apr 06, 11:14:00 PM 2006  

  • you know, actually, i only write when i'm feeling down. the lower, the more i write (thus the depressive tone). but when i lack the despair and loathing, i don't write as much.

    you should use the emotion to vent. perhaps it'll help

    By Blogger treespotter, At Fri Apr 07, 07:21:00 AM 2006  

Post a Comment



<< Home