Dear Grad School Reject

Dear Grad School Reject,

I saw your personals ad in the most recent issue of Hookers and Blow, and knew at once that I had to respond. Your case is most compelling. I believe I fit the specified criteria. Though you suggested responding via a post to that ad, I thought it more fitting to respond to an ad for “a woman to flirt with throughout the world of the blogosphere” via an independent blog post. I am a firm believer that the medium should be part of the message. Certainly, if you are looking for a cyber-flirtation, a personalized response utilizing this public medium to declare my interest in you singularly ought to earn me extra points. As you do not appear to have a blog of your own, it would appear that your preference does not lie in receiving excessive comments; however, I will leave a comment on your post just to cover all bases, as they say in that base-based-sport.

Allora. (My high school Italian teacher’s favorite transitional word.) On with your criteria. I will respond to each preference you specified:

“A good writer.” God, I hope so.

“Respectful of teachers.” I respect all teachers that are not Mr. C*******n. Though I do not know who you are, I assume you are not him. I think he stopped liking me after I assisted in getting him fired. I respect all teachers that respect students. Do you concur?

On a serious note, I found your No Child Left Behind? post to be insightful and moving and the very picture of what a teacher should be. Kudos to you for having a mind and a heart.

“Non-vegetarian.” I just ate a ham sandwich.

“An appreciation for independent rock and alt. country.” I already have a well-developed appreciation of independent rock and am willing to broaden my country horizons. Do you think that would be something like manifest destiny?

“A name that rhymes with “Mill Michetti"." YAY! I knew that would come in handy eventually! Thanks Mom and Dad! I can now forget all of the traumatic grade-school days of having boys taunt me with Jack and Jill… the original version, and the Andrew “Dice” Clay version. Though, I must tell you, when I first learned my name, I thought it was “Jillachetti”. My parents had to explain to me that there was, indeed, another, “Ji-“. I can be lazy at times, and that extra syllable… really, is it necessary?

“A tolerance for football.” I can tolerate football. But all that padding…and helmets… there’s really nothing alluring enough to focus my eyes on. Sure, there are those pantsless chicks with their you-know-whats bouncing up and down all the time… but as I’ve written previously, I don’t spend a lot of time on chests. And… um… I prefer men. But rugby—there’s a sport! Lean, eager, half-dressed men with stamina. Yummy! Can you tolerate rugby?

I would also be more than happy to assist your fiancé in cyber-seducing Neil Kramer if there is any way I may be of service. Though, I have to say—it might work to your advantage: I have it on good authority (uh… every other post that Neil writes) that Neil is blog-crushing on Brooke, who is also a teacher of young minds. If Brooke sees the attentions that your fiancé is paying to Neil, perhaps Brooke will become so jealous that Neil is receiving the attentions of a woman who already has the attentions of a fine teacher of young minds such as yourself that Brooke will finally give in to Neil, thus stealing him away from your fiancé and leaving her to come running back to Richie Samb-- Whoops! I mean, back to you. Just, you know, something to think about.

And in the meantime, of course, I would be happy to flirt with you.

Though, I do tend to refer to the men I flirt with as food items, so please designate your preference.

__ Chicken
__ Fish
__ Vegetarian (Oh, you probably don't want that one...)

Or maybe...
__ Kosher?

No, I suppose you probably wouldn't prefer that, either.

Thank you in advance for your time and attention in this matter. I eagerly await your response.

Sincerely,
Jillachetti

A P.S. for everyone else: Hookers and Blow is a witty and insightful online journal published by a bunch of really intelligent and groovy bloggers who unfortunately will not be able to continue publishing it… but I strongly urge to you take a look at the back-issues. NOW!!!