Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Virtual Care Package

View from a skyscraper. Skyscraper of your choice. Anywhere in the world. To have the world at your feet. Literally. Immeasurably better than a pat on the back.

Long weekend watching Monty Python, eating whatever the heck you damn well please. And because I'm a fan, I'll throw in some DVDs featuring Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, and Ben Stiller. Let someone else make you laugh. Works wonders. And if what damn well pleases you should include

Homemade Italian food (and it should), then I've totally got that covered. The chef recommends the wild mushroom and goat cheese risotto, but the lasagna is also reliably delicious, as well as the eggplant parmigiana. In some circles, the braised short ribs and meatballs in my grandmother's gravy is acknowledged to be exquisite. By the way, I'll need preferences in advance as I am very particular about where I do my grocery shopping. I must mandate, however, that the menu include

Soup. Also homemade. Accompanied by tea, with honey and lemon. Warm liquids soothe the throat, and your voice should need soothing right about now.

Wine. Because, really, when can a person not benefit from some vino? It calms. For

Sleep. A lot more than you are currently getting. And to that end, you'll need
  • The power to stop time for the rest of the world but continue living yourself, so you can actually sleep for longer than five hours at a time.
  • Bedtime stories, lullabyes, and soothing affirmations in a foreign language. Originals, of course; slightly off-key, likely; in italiano, sì? Non c'è nessun altro nel mondo abbastanza come tu.
  • Perpetually-cool, heaven-scented pillow of ideal firmness and fluffiness. Also requires you to specify preferences: so what does heaven smell like to you?
  • Relative silence, excepting the white noise of nature. Because it isn't words that are the most important.

Resulting in...

Sweet dreams.

A new day.

Sunshine.

The open road. How much is ever enough?

...and eventually...

Home. A piece of architecture, yes, but that's not the home I mean. I mean the pieces of home that are so small they fit inside the house itself, and you fit inside of them--a sofa, a bed, a kitchen chair, a hug; and also the pieces that are so vast, the only place they fit is inside of you--joy, serenity, security, and hope.


A virtual care package is delivered in a sideless, topless, bottomless, dimensionless, timeless box, so if you have any particular requests just let me know. I'm sure they'll fit.

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posted by Jill at 3/15/2006 12:16:00 AM

30 Comments:

  • I have that box, but I had to swallow it when I was 3, and I have been searching for the key ever since. I'm getting close though

    By Blogger Dessa, At 3/15/2006 02:32:00 AM  

  • Thank-you. You just reminded me how much i need to get away. Perhaps find a little bed and breakfast in the Hill Country outside of Austin for a weekend.

    BTW. You looked smashing in your brown evening gown.

    By Blogger Sass, At 3/15/2006 06:13:00 AM  

  • This feels custom made for what ails me. Every last drop of it. So thank you. :-)

    By Anonymous Jennifer, At 3/15/2006 06:55:00 AM  

  • I love the way the human mind works. It's amazing. You're a great example of this truth.

    I'm not only talking about the intellectual aspects of this. Many would rob the mind of credit for the emotional aspects of this, but I credit te mind with all of that. The sentiment, the artful wording, the warmth, all of it.

    I'd be overjoyed to be the recipient of this care package. If there is truly a specific recipient, I hope they know how lucky they are.

    Hello, Jill.

    By Blogger scott, At 3/15/2006 09:33:00 AM  

  • heh. you said topless.

    sorry.

    By Blogger kat, At 3/15/2006 10:02:00 AM  

  • Well, Dessa, if the key is anything like the box, you may be searching for a looooong time. ;)

    Verrrry perceptive of you, Sass. Thanks.

    That's the magic of the dimensionless box, Jennifer. Kind of like a positive version of those bogarts from Harry Potter.

    Hello, Scott. Thank you so much. Really, really, really.

    Ah, Kat, it had to be you! I figured someone was going to comment on that, because I noticed it myself. Then I totally felt like I was channeling a twelve year old boy. A previous draft had "topless" listed first in that series. Clearly, I decided against that. Rather quickly. Heh heh heh

    By Blogger Jill, At 3/15/2006 11:59:00 AM  

  • Le sigh. That took my breath away and though it's not for me, I ADORE the virtual care package. In my head, it's my own. :)

    By Blogger Kendra, At 3/15/2006 12:35:00 PM  

  • My particular request is for a cat to join me in my many many hours of slumber - one which will curl in against the skin of my body, stealing my heat while gifting me in return its unmatched softness and purr. It must occassionally provide love bites on my fingers, and shall reposition itself willingly should I roll over. If a cat is not available, then a woman will suffice. I must stipulate however that substitutes to voluntary purring are not acceptable.

    Thank you in advance.

    By Anonymous peefer, At 3/15/2006 12:42:00 PM  

  • Jill, you said "bottomless", too, but, well, I'm trying to be good for the new year.

    By Anonymous Network Geek, At 3/15/2006 02:00:00 PM  

  • Wow. Good thing it's virtual. The postage on that would kill you.

    Sass is right too, but she does that.

    By Blogger -J, At 3/15/2006 02:18:00 PM  

  • Thanks, Kendra. I hope you're breathing again. ;)

    Is there a way to pass on that request to the lady of the Peefer household?

    BINGO! We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen. Way to bring it home, Geek.

    And, where, exactly could I put the stamps, J? Things that make you go hmmmmm...

    By Blogger Jill, At 3/15/2006 02:32:00 PM  

  • Yes, the braised short ribs and meatballs really ARE exquisite. I validate your cooking ability (especially because you take the meat off the bone for me... the truest sign of love there is).

    By Blogger Violet, At 3/15/2006 03:31:00 PM  

  • I know what you forgot to add...what about a warm snuggly hug on a cold day? Not you and me necessarily, but you know what I mean. Who can't benefit from a little lingering right? It always soothes the soul.

    By Blogger DIAMONDKT, At 3/15/2006 04:26:00 PM  

  • Can mine be all wine? Thanks :)

    Wonderful idea...

    By Blogger MommaK, At 3/15/2006 06:47:00 PM  

  • sounds blissful. Except the Monty Python bit. Am i the ONLY person in the world who isn't a fan??? ;)

    By Blogger Steph, At 3/15/2006 07:02:00 PM  

  • Thanks for it all. I'm off to do it.

    By Blogger Popeye, At 3/15/2006 07:46:00 PM  

  • What a great idea! Then again, any excuse to eat soup is a beautiful, beautiful thing.:)

    By Blogger Janet, At 3/15/2006 07:57:00 PM  

  • With such an invitation from you, Jill, I wish I was a man. Lucky is the one who will be pampered by you!

    By Blogger ChickyBabe, At 3/15/2006 08:31:00 PM  

  • okay, it's the ides of march.

    i'm waiting for my surprise.

    By Blogger ducklet, At 3/15/2006 08:56:00 PM  

  • Thank you kindly, Violet. That's what friends are for, I hear. Well, at least the friends that camp out on your aero-bed rent-free. I think there's some sort of clause in the contract that mandates braising short ribs until the meat falls off the bones.

    Of course, Diamondkt, how could I possibly forget that? Silly me.

    Chianti okay with you, Mommak?

    Well, Steph, I did provide an alternative for the likes of you. ;)

    Enjoy, Popeye.

    Mmm...soup. Janet, you are so right.

    That's quite the compliment, ChickyBabe. But since you're a chick, maybe we can share some wine and cheese and talk about men instead...? How dangerous could we be as a duo if we lived in the same city!

    Clearly, Brando, it cannot be a surprise if you are waiting for it. Duh.

    By Blogger Jill, At 3/15/2006 10:31:00 PM  

  • I'll take the open road, some stromboli, and a canoli, all while reciting favorite lines from the works of Monty Python, Father Ted, or The Young Ones.

    By Blogger The Grunt, At 3/15/2006 11:57:00 PM  

  • I'll take two, please.

    By Anonymous anne arkham, At 3/16/2006 01:22:00 AM  

  • Grunt... mmmm... cannoli. I love dessert.

    Sure, Anne, to celebrate your blogiversary.

    By Blogger Jill, At 3/16/2006 01:32:00 AM  

  • Two for me too please. Not 'cause I'm greedy, but one for now because I need it, and one for sometime up the road because I've learned that you just never know...

    By Blogger anaglyph, At 3/16/2006 03:04:00 AM  

  • Thank you, Jill, for an excellent care package. Here via Jennifer. I'll be back.

    By Blogger Karen, At 3/16/2006 08:32:00 AM  

  • Thanks for the comforting post. Here via Jennifer. I'll be back!

    By Blogger Karen, At 3/16/2006 08:33:00 AM  

  • So, Jill, what does one have to do to qualify for this topless/bottomless/timeless care package? Is there a sign-up sheet? A web form? Any special qualifications? You know, "special" qualifications... Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Say no more, eh?

    By Anonymous Network Geek, At 3/16/2006 12:00:00 PM  

  • Anaglyph, I haven't worked out the physics of it yet, but I believe the timelessness could possibly make it... well, sort of like an Everlasting Gobstopper. Do you want an Oompa Loompa now?

    You're welcome, Karen. And thank you, too.

    Well, Geek, as happy as I am to have provided comfort to my dear readers, this particular virtual care package has no sign-up sheet because it's a one-recipient sorta thing. In the spirit of full disclosure I must inform all applicants that the one recipient was actually pre-cast in this particular production. In other words, this was written with someone specific in mind. It's a gift of sorts.

    By Blogger Jill, At 3/16/2006 12:21:00 PM  

  • Pre-cast? You mean we're being re-gifted?

    And here I was all set to put in my requests finally.

    In the words of the immortal Charlie Brown, "Rats."

    By Blogger The Chronic Curmudgeon, At 3/16/2006 11:16:00 PM  

  • I wouldn't use the word re-gifted. I was just publishing some warm wishes. I'm a very nurturing soul. Would you hold that against me, CC?

    By Blogger Jill, At 3/17/2006 12:05:00 AM  

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