Freakish Friday

Do I really have to be coherent on Fridays? I think not. Especially after the two weeks I've had. So Babbling Jill says, "Deliver me from Swedish furniture!" And this is for you, every guy I didn't actually say any of the following things to. You know who you are. Some of you.

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Yes, I noticed the way you just looked at me, and I'm going to pretend like I didn't, and just continue with this group conversation, and once you get out of the doorway so that I don't have to pass you, you're going to go into your office and I'm going to go into my office and we are going to pretend like I didn't see that, okay? Great.

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Remember when we first spoke, and we both tried to speak at the same time? I knew from then that you were a worthy adversary.

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I don't want your souvenirs, you selfish self-loathing coward. Give them to your girlfriend.

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Yes, I've heard your voice.

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Don't hold my hand, you narcissistic sonofabitch.

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Yes, I know that you put it into your pocket. And then took it out again. And then you put it someplace safe. Where it still lives. And you take it out now and then, when you've been drinking wine. To wind down.

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The neck thing? Brownie points. But no more tequila.

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You say you like intelligent women. You think you do. But what you mean is, as long as they're not more intelligent than you. And if they are, then they shouldn't be attractive.

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You are not impressing me. You will impress me even less by trying to intimidate the hot scuba instructor. And by the way, it won't work. That guy could take you any day of the week. But he won't bother.

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Truly, I wasn't expecting that to be there. But what a lovely surprise.

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Feel free to borrow this idea as well. You are welcome to all my words.

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Boy, I can only hope you will think fondly upon the chick that taught you those dance moves. You will soon be very dangerous. Go forth and get some.

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And to a certain gal, who would be able to direct all thse messages to their appropriate recipients: I know you won't. But I hope I entertained you.

Tune in tomorrow. When I make sense again. Maybe.