Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Toey, Revisited

Some people hate feet. How? Each toe is a wonder. As when a baby arrives and parents joyfully count each digit, thankful for their existence, each one. How can you love someone and not love their toes?

His beauty is his innocence, I realize. There is darkness but no shame. When you’re a little boy, no curiosity seems inappropriate. Everything beckons. I paint my toenails—sparkly and pink--and think of him.

“Inappropriate” is a word I use when I am too shy to explain the truth. It is the lazy way out. The cowardly. I never mean it. I would never use a word I didn’t mean on the page. But I will say it to avoid the long truth. Even a truth I want desperately to share.

He is still a child inside. But so alluring. He balances opposites. He shelters wonder.

I am three years old with a new baby brother and a cousin on the way. I rub my aunt’s belly. She leaves for a doctor’s appointment and I announce, “She is going to see the people that make the feet.”

His toes are those of my baby. I want to tickle them and kiss them and count them and name them. Each one.

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posted by Jill at 6:25 PM

20 Comments:

  • I try not to think about the unborn children I might never have.

    I love children and I so want to be a daddy, but, sadly, it's not meant for everyone and I'm afraid that I'm one of those for whom that is not destiny. You, on the other hand, will make a wonder mother one day, I'm sure.

    It's a lovely post and sentiment. Very evocative.

    By Anonymous Network Geek, At Tue Jan 10, 09:47:00 PM 2006  

  • Jill is you in lurrrve???

    By Blogger Steph, At Tue Jan 10, 10:30:00 PM 2006  

  • I love babies. I love baby toes and baby hands and baby everything. I want a baby (not right this minute) so I can kiss those little hands and toes and marvel at the wonder that is babies.

    Even though I know that, technically, that's not what this post is about...

    By Blogger Amber, At Tue Jan 10, 11:46:00 PM 2006  

  • Babys are for mothers.

    What this post really makes me wonder is why chicks dig youth in guys. I'm not talking about physical youth or the appearance of youth. Rather, several women (over the last almost 10 years(yikes!)) have noted my more attractive characteristics as being when I smile like a little boy. Whether it was coming in from snowboarding with my hair covered in snow on a powder day (pre-helmet days, obviously) or after throwing metaphorical rocks at my friend after metaphorical school.

    Youthful characteristics typically don't attract me to women. And youthful physical attributes attract me only in the moment. Generally speaking, I find myself attracted to women who are over all their youthful shit. The illusions and pretensions of others and self (AKA the state most girls are raised from) are what typically drive me away from them.

    By Blogger Claven, At Wed Jan 11, 03:22:00 AM 2006  

  • You sound pregnant.

    By Anonymous peefer, At Wed Jan 11, 09:35:00 AM 2006  

  • There is a charming quality to youthfulness. And to seeing some future with someone. You sound very charmed by someone Jill.

    By Blogger Cheryl, At Wed Jan 11, 09:52:00 AM 2006  

  • Good morning/day/evening/night, blogosphere!

    First of all, I am most definitely NOT pregnant. (But thanks for the comment, Peefer.)

    Now, Claven, as far as your question is concerned, I'm going to ponder it some more to give you as precise an answer as I can. Right now, what I can say is that:

    1. You are right. Most women I know are attracted to certain youthful characteristics in a man.

    2. I think the issue here is what you see as youthful characteristics in women versus what women see in you. At its most base level, though, it seems that you are thinking of the negatives in female childhood while women are looking at the positives in male childhood. ...more later. Thanks for providing something to entertain my brain.

    By Blogger Jill, At Wed Jan 11, 10:50:00 AM 2006  

  • Maybe I missed the point of the post, but wasn't it all about being so "into" someone that you felt your, uh, "salmon swimming upstream"? Your, ah, "sap quickening"? All that stuff?

    It's a pretty powerful human urge, that urge to spawn. Especially, when we find that "right" person.

    By Anonymous Network Geek, At Wed Jan 11, 11:02:00 AM 2006  

  • I think I have spent more time kissing my childrens feet than any other part of them. Even if they smell funny sometimes, they're the cutest damn things in the world!

    By Blogger blog Portland, At Wed Jan 11, 03:29:00 PM 2006  

  • doigts et orteils,
    et un nez mignon de bouton?

    By Blogger a fish on a bycicle, At Wed Jan 11, 05:40:00 PM 2006  

  • What a nicely gentle post. . .


    Secret word:nonrepek
    Obviously, this comment is not from Malaysia

    By Blogger Popeye, At Wed Jan 11, 06:03:00 PM 2006  

  • Fish and Popeye, congrats on being the first two back-to-back comments that made me go hmmm... And that's an accomplishment, considering I've had folks asking me if I am in love or pregnant all day! :)

    Geek, thank you for the lovely compliment. I do hope to be a (good) mother someday. As for "the point"--maybe I spent too much time in academia, but I'm not going to tell anyone what to "get out of" my posts. I honestly feel blessed that people read my words at all, and I am happy for there to be some pliability in the "message". I put the images out there because that's what's in my head, and I'm interested in hearing what people interpret. So please, react to or comment on whatever you see. You can think of my blog as an inkblot!

    Steph... love... love... I'm always in love. There are many loves. I love.

    Yes, Amber, I feel the same way about babies. And perhaps you feel the same way about painting your toenails pink and sparkly?

    Claven, I continue to ponder.

    Peefer, I continue to not be pregnant.

    Cheryl: Charmed, indeed.

    Jill: you wacky, wacky girl, writing about babies and toes and sparkly nail polish!

    Portland, you must be a great dad!

    Fish, button noses not necessary.

    Thank you, Popeye. Now can you tell me what the word has to do with Malaysia? I love a riddle, but honestly, I'm lost here. Maybe I'm not thinking "outside the box".

    By Blogger Jill, At Wed Jan 11, 06:30:00 PM 2006  

  • Wow, I don't want to say.

    By Blogger Clinton P. Desveaux, At Wed Jan 11, 10:41:00 PM 2006  

  • Jill, can I ask you a favor please? I would love for you to check this out, http://clintondesveaux.blogspot.com/2005/12/every-man-is-island.html

    and tell me what you think of it.

    By Blogger Clinton P. Desveaux, At Wed Jan 11, 10:54:00 PM 2006  

  • "nonrepek" isn't quite a word, but is close to, or sounds like, "nonsense", or possibly, "miss nonsense".

    Sometimes, being a geek is a good thing, eh? ;)

    (I found this via Google, of course, and this link http://dictionary.bhanot.net/index.html )

    By Anonymous Network Geek, At Wed Jan 11, 11:00:00 PM 2006  

  • Sure, Clinton. Would love to read it. I'll do it tomorrow when I am fresh. Right now I fear I'll have nothing intelligent to say.

    Geek, being a geek is a good thing all the time. I've claimed "geek" as a positive word. "Nerd" is not too good, though.

    By Blogger Jill, At Wed Jan 11, 11:19:00 PM 2006  

  • Very interesting as is your blog!

    By Blogger ShyRocket, At Wed Jan 11, 11:35:00 PM 2006  

  • Thanks!

    By Blogger Jill, At Thu Jan 12, 11:45:00 AM 2006  

  • Upon further review...

    In my mind boys aren't necessarily instructed to muck around in streams and play football. But they certainly aren't discouraged. Quite often (but not always) parents push girls away from boy stuff in favor of more girlie things like Barbies. I guess my statement about youthful stuff for girls was more about the "HOW TO LAND A MAN" indoctrination than anything else.

    In my dating life, the gotta find me a man stuff has been problematic. The resulting body and self-esteem, -image, -awareness issues that arise from the find a man indoctrination drives me insane. Hence, I get along and enjoy women who aren't wrapped up in that stuff.

    I assume there is more to being a girl than being told how to get a man. But we are talking about stereotypical boy and girl behavoirs of innocence. And that's what I equate with youthful girliness.

    By Blogger Claven, At Thu Jan 12, 04:02:00 PM 2006  

  • In your last sentence, what is your "what" referring to? You equate the stereotypical girl behavior of innocence with youthful girliness or your equate the issues of the preceding paragraph with youthful girliness? Because I would think that a few of the behaviors of innocence you might find charming, but the issues of self-esteem, not so much. So I thought you were thinking of those self-esteem issues and that's why you thought you didn't find youthful girliness attractive. But (as I said before) I would think that some of the more innocent girlish behaviors would be charming to you...?

    By Blogger Jill, At Thu Jan 12, 06:13:00 PM 2006  

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