To a Certain Friend on Her 29th Birthday

Dear Certain Friend,

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and yes, Certain Friend, sometimes boys don't call as planned. By now, I suppose, we should be calling them men, but every time a conversation begins with "He hasn't called yet," I feel like I'm fifteen again. Therefore, I feel comfortable with using "boys". So yes, sometimes boys don't call when they say they will.

Even the ones that really, really like you. (As he has repeatedly made clear to you in many ways, up to and including going above and beyond--way, waaaay beyond--the call of duty to make sure you're...how shall I say...satisfied. Multiple times. On multiple occasions. Yes, he should be called "a man" for that.) In fact, sometimes a boy will not call too often because he really, really likes you. I'd like to call a boy a doofus for thinking that sounds reasonable, given that I know how much you would like this particular one to call more often, but people who live in glass houses...you know the rest. And let's just say, it's a miracle my house doesn't shatter each time I exhale.

Or sometimes a boy might not call because he's on the couch playing X-Box. Which doesn't mean he doesn't like you. It just means he's playing. Or maybe he's working. Can you blame a guy for wanting to have a career? Or perhaps YOU KEPT HIM UP ALL NIGHT AND NOW HE'S SLEEPING. And he's going to wake up tomorrow morning, still in his clothes, and wonder why you didn't call him again to wake his ass up if you really wanted to talk to him. And when you talk again, this will somehow come off sounding like your fault. Fault might be too strong a word here, but you get my drift.

You: You didn't call me back last night.
Him: I was sleeping/working/etc.
You: But we were supposed to make plans for today.
Him: So why didn't you call me back?
You: (You can't really say "I was paranoid that you didn't really want to speak to me.") Well, I figured you were busy.
Him: Well, I would have told you I was doing something.
You: (You can't really say "I know I would have felt like a loser if you said that so I was just avoiding the possibility that you were doing something so cool that you didn't have time to talk to me, and by the way I'd already left you one message and I wasn't going to leave another, nor was I going to hang up because cell phones have caller ID.") Yeah but...
Him: You should have just called.
You: (What the hell are you supposed to say now because he's making it sound perfectly ridiculous that you would not call back, even though you were just trying to be respectful of his private time and not give women a bad name by being 'clingy'.) Uh, I guess so.
Him: Yeah, next time, just call.

I know, I know, WTF? How did that happen, right? But it's inevitable. Any time some boy has made it clear in his language that he welcomes your phone calls, you are expected to just...uh...call. Crazy, huh?

So here's my advice. Go to sleep. Sleepy-time is priceless. Yes, I am aware of the fact that tomorrow--today--is your birthday, but what's a birthday? Stop thinking of your birthday as this metaphorical microcosm of the rest of your year, and start thinking of it as what it is--the day after International Hangover Day. Sorry. That's the best I can do.

Tomorrow: eat some bacon, eat some chocolates. Call the silly boy. Or don't. But don't not call just because you're being stubborn. Stubborn is so not cool. And don't not call because you're sulking. Sulking is so not cool. Eventually, one of you will contact the other and communication will occur. Til then, have a happy birthday. And as many other happy days as days dawn upon your joyous existence.

Your friend,
Jill