Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Things Not to Say to the Man Who Just Bought You Dinner

Wandering through the multiplex, don’t stare too long at the guy with the skull tattooed into his skull, then begin musing aloud about why you don’t find that particular design and locale of body art particularly arousing. This begs the question: “Oh, so you find tattoos sexy?”

Suddenly floating through your mind: images of every piece of body art on any man you’ve ever touched, kissed, slept with, danced with, traveled with, worked with, been friends with, been more than friends with, thought about being more than friends with, ran into on the subway platform and began spontaneously composing poetry about…

Absent from the parade in your brain: the man questioning. He has no tattoos.

Then, by virtue of the two being so closely housed in your mental rolodex, images of the same men’s varied body piercings…

There is no safe way out of this conversation. You are now screwed. Royally.

”Damn, I didn’t know he had one there. Well, I guess I know now.”

“So. You find tattoos sexy.”

You can now only remember the few you found most surprising, or well-designed, or just plain hot.

“Yeah…umm…they can be.”

Shoulder. Upper arm. Leg.

“Really.”

You know what is coming. And you know it is a good idea, in your response, to avoid mention of any man that the man questioning
a) knows
b) has ever run into
c) has ever heard you speak about
d) can find programmed on your cell phone.

“On who?”

Bingo!

Shoulder, upper arm, leg. Shoulder, upper arm, leg. Shoulder, upper arm, leg. "Goddamn. I didn’t expect that to be there. Or maybe I did. Maybe I knew it was there all along."

“Uh…”

Ok, focus. Focus! There has to be a safe choice. An acceptable conversation topic. Brad Pitt? Does he have any tattoos? Even men think Brad Pitt is hot.

Shoulder.

What about Tom Cruise? Most likely gay. Totally a safe choice. Do Scientologists believe in body art?

Upper arm.

Colin Farrell. Obviously, a kinky fuck. A complete masochist. MUST have something, somewhere. But why can’t I remember? Have I been brainwashed? What the hell?

Leg.

Oh. Boy.

“Do you want to share some Milk Duds?”

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posted by Jill at 1/17/2006 12:00:00 AM

42 Comments:

  • Focus girl!! So where was it? Was the piercing on his tattoo?

    By Blogger ChickyBabe, At 1/17/2006 05:06:00 AM  

  • Okay, so is now a good time to mention that I have tattoos?

    By Anonymous Network Geek, At 1/17/2006 07:42:00 AM  

  • You do love the "bad" boys.

    By Blogger -J, At 1/17/2006 08:34:00 AM  

  • Remember, you can always default to the recent plethora of tatoo shows on TLC and Discovery.

    By Blogger Momentary Academic, At 1/17/2006 08:53:00 AM  

  • Reminds me of answering the famous question, "Do you think she is prettier than I am?"

    By Blogger browser58, At 1/17/2006 09:32:00 AM  

  • I have a tattoo on my head. You can't see it because of my hair. It's been there since I was born. It's a three-digit number.

    It's 668 - The Neighbor of the Beast.

    This is all true, except for the part about the tattoo.

    Hello, Jill.

    By Blogger scott, At 1/17/2006 09:48:00 AM  

  • and Grenouille's virginal victim in Suskind's "Perfume"

    er,

    oops,

    wrong post

    By Blogger a fish on a bycicle, At 1/17/2006 09:57:00 AM  

  • Tattoos and Milk Duds. I could totally go for some Milk Duds right now. Also a discreetly tattooed boy. Because I do have a thing for the boys with an edge. For the fun aspect, of course.

    By Blogger Amber, At 1/17/2006 10:05:00 AM  

  • You write things, right? Maybe you can incorporate:

    "Shoulder, upper arm, leg. Oh boy!"

    in to a contemporary version of The Wizard of Oz. You know, with Dorothy singing nervously while marching down the yellow brick road.

    Just an idea.

    By Anonymous peefer, At 1/17/2006 10:22:00 AM  

  • CB, are you mocking my lack of focus? ;)

    Geek, I'm the kinda girl that likes to discover things for myself...

    Not "bad", J, just an appreciation of body-as-canvas.

    I couldn't even remember that, M.A., so besieged by phantoms was I.

    Very similar, Browser58, but a bit more like "do you think there's any man anywhere on the planet that has something sexy that I don't?" But delivered much more casually, of course. As I said, no safe way out. Just like the pretty question.

    Hi, Neighbor of the Beast.

    No worries, Fish.

    Amber: of course.

    Peefer, I was actually tempted to write "Oh my", then thought better of it.

    By Blogger Jill, At 1/17/2006 12:00:00 PM  

  • Hey, hey, hey. Slow down there pardner. I never said Brad Pitt was hot. I said he was awesome in Fight Club. Though I can understand how that could have been interpreted that way.

    By Blogger Claven, At 1/17/2006 12:40:00 PM  

  • He could have taken the milk duds question completely out of context ;-0

    If he's making you this nervous over a question - psssst you might like him.

    I saw a guy at the gym with a swoosh on his calf. Okay two things going on here. At the gym the swoosh looks gay but if he was on the golf course - that would be hott.

    By Blogger Sass, At 1/17/2006 12:59:00 PM  

  • BTW, I was discussing this subject last night. As for my tastes, the best tattoo on a woman only manages to not take anything off the table for me. I find the majority of them to be unattractive. Since everyone and their grandmother has a tattoo in my hood, I barely even notice them though.

    The one that caught my eye in the last year was a woman at the pool I swim at in the winter months. She had a tattoo that ran from her upper, outer thigh up over her hip near her lower ribs. It certainly was eye catching. But that isn't why it stuck in my memory. Rather I wondered why she would get a tattoo on the part of a woman's body that will change the most over the years. I just didn't get it.

    By Blogger Claven, At 1/17/2006 01:00:00 PM  

  • haha way to play the milk dud card. I was trying to think of some celebrity you could have used and I blanked too...

    By Blogger Cheryl, At 1/17/2006 01:10:00 PM  

  • Of course you never said that, Claven. We all know you are completely heterosexual. Whatever it is you think you see, etc. ;) As for that woman and her oddly-placed tattoo, I haven't a clue what she could have been thinking.

    I was waiting for someone to make a naughty Milk Duds reference. Glad you got to it, Sass.

    Right, Cheryl? It's hard to think of. I bet there are a lot of them, but those body parts don't get screen time.

    By Blogger Jill, At 1/17/2006 01:31:00 PM  

  • Sometimes your blogs are so disjointed I have no idea what's going on. I mean, milk duds? Where the hell did that come from?

    By Blogger Dirk the Feeble, At 1/17/2006 02:17:00 PM  

  • Jill, I never said what they were or where. 'Sides, it sounds like a phase you were going through anyway. Current beau has none, so, maybe just something you outgrew.

    By Anonymous Network Geek, At 1/17/2006 02:20:00 PM  

  • I know, right, Armaedes? It's like I have no ability to focus. Women! All that estrogen-- they make no sense.

    Just teasin', Geek. Now, you see, I'm intrigued. It's not a thing to outgrow, because it was never about what most people think it's about. It's aesthetic appreciation--I'm never going to outgrow looking at male bodies, especially not tastefully adorned ones!

    By Blogger Jill, At 1/17/2006 02:34:00 PM  

  • Okay, so, see, no self-respecting woman would ever want to do this to themselves, but, you know how women often get those tattoos on their lower back? I always thought it would be funny if a woman got a tattoo of a navel, a belly button, right there on their lower back. It would be even funnier if it were a really hairy, really deep, "inny" belly button.

    So, anyway, that's what I think.

    Hello again, Jill.

    By Blogger scott, At 1/17/2006 02:53:00 PM  

  • Oh, no, Jill, while my ink is both tasteful and discrete, you wouldn't want to see it. No, no, I'm sure.
    Though it really has held up well over the years, thanks to the fact that I keep them out of the sun and all. And, both the bikers who watched me get the first one done and the special forces guys who've seen it since seem to like the work.
    But, no, I'm sure you wouldn't be interested in my, little, old tattoos. Nor would any of your fans...

    (Who, me? Tease?)

    By Anonymous Network Geek, At 1/17/2006 02:58:00 PM  

  • LOL
    He should know better than to ask.
    Mine is hidden.
    What's the sense in that?
    I like to surprise people, besides it's my body, thats where I wanted it. Though it did hurt more than I thought...

    By Blogger trueborn, At 1/17/2006 03:36:00 PM  

  • And what an intriguing thought it is. Hi, Scott. Chuckles?

    Ah, Geek, you are supremely useful. First, evidence that men pine. Now, evidence that they tease.

    Welcome, Trueborn. Glad you could stop by and check out the girl mafia. Hacking email isn't something I generally recommend, though. But I thank you also for admitting to the common cluelessness of the male kind. ;) The suprise ones are the most fun.

    By Blogger Jill, At 1/17/2006 04:04:00 PM  

  • Man, I love your inner monologue. Tattoos on me = zero.

    By Blogger Egan, At 1/17/2006 07:48:00 PM  

  • That's a lot of internal monologue going on. I'm amazed you can even hold a conversation coherently.

    By Blogger Paul, At 1/17/2006 08:08:00 PM  

  • would you believe that i've never ever touched, kissed, slept with, danced with, traveled with, worked with, been friends with, been more than friends with, thought about being more than friends with, ran into on the subway platform and began spontaneously composing poetry about anyone with a tattoo? well, maybe not the danced with part, but to my knowledge, my slate is ink-free.

    i think i have a fear of men who don't have a fear of commitment.

    By Blogger kat, At 1/17/2006 08:31:00 PM  

  • Now I'm mentally undressing every man I've ever been with. This could take a while.....

    By Blogger Brookelina, At 1/17/2006 10:30:00 PM  

  • Absolutely. I know how you think! ;)

    And now I'm off doing what Brooke is doing...

    By Blogger ChickyBabe, At 1/17/2006 11:42:00 PM  

  • Brooke and ChickyBabe, get your minds out of the gutter. This is a PG blog...

    ...okay, now you can continue undressing men in your minds.

    By Blogger Egan, At 1/18/2006 12:21:00 AM  

  • how on earth are you supposed not to look, and then when you look, how are you supposed not to answer questions...

    I am sponsored by Disney, a "tigger" tat on my bottom. A drunken gift from 'friends'. I had no idea what it would be, and I suppose I'm lucky it wasn't "pooh".

    (A word to the wise, never lie naked and face down on the settee with a playful kitten - or face up for that matter).

    What's a "milk dud"? (Milk that doesn't explode when it should?)

    By Blogger a fish on a bycicle, At 1/18/2006 05:41:00 AM  

  • Reminds me of the time i dated a guy who said girls who hat tatts were "westies" ie trailer trash. Had to practically walk backwards all night so he wouldn't see the yin/yang on my lower back!!

    By Blogger Steph, At 1/18/2006 08:27:00 AM  

  • That's ok, Egan. It's not a requirement. I'm an equal opportunity ogler.

    Well, Paul, sometimes I can't. Some people don't find it amusing. Others wait patiently for my brain to return to the topic at hand.

    Kat, I recently wrote something musing upon my own lack of ink, and was vacillating between "phobia of needles" and "fear of commitment". If I were a man, I'd probably be perfect for you.

    Still counting, Brooke?

    Ah CB, it feels good to not be alone in the world.

    Thanks for pseudo-defending the honor of my blog, Egan, but it hasn't been PG in quite a while. And now we're all mentally undressing you.

    Fish: Why would you lie naked and face down on the settee? Milk Duds are a brand of candy sold in a lot of US movie theaters. They're chocolate-covered caramel... uh... balls. And they're very tasty.

    Steph, that was ONE date, right?

    By Blogger Jill, At 1/18/2006 11:39:00 AM  

  • You know, it occured to me that the panic should have been redundant. You're over eighteen, so it's pretty well a given that you have a past. I mean, even priests have pasts, so... So, shouldn't anyone you're with "get" that and move on from there? Obviously since he didn't have tattoos you were talking about someone else, someone from your past. But, he's your present and possibly your future. I'd hope that was enough.

    I shudder to think what would become of me if everyone I date from here on out were to judge me from my past. I really do have a fairly sordid past, but that's not who I am now, just who I was.

    By Anonymous Network Geek, At 1/18/2006 12:13:00 PM  

  • Have I told you lately that I love the boldfacing of people's names? That's a swell idea. Are you perving me?

    Psstt.. you up now.

    By Blogger Egan, At 1/18/2006 01:13:00 PM  

  • Geek, I don't want you to get the wrong impression of him. It wasn't the idea of my past that I thought would be a problem. It's that most of the men of my past continue to be in my present, though in a different capacity. And I also have a variety of male friends and acquaintances of whose bodies I didn't want to publicize my acquaintance.

    Egan, the bolding was all ChickyBabe. Isn't she great? Yes, indeed I am. And have been. And will continue to be. Perve away, boy.

    By Blogger Jill, At 1/18/2006 01:26:00 PM  

  • I did see the boldfacing on her site too. Wasn't sure if she was responsible or you. Perving is the new pink.

    By Blogger Egan, At 1/18/2006 01:58:00 PM  

  • Well, Jill, that does put a different wrinkle on it. I can see how that might, um, "unsettle" the guy. Course, I always thought I'd have trouble with that, but I got used to my ex-step-daughter's biological father pretty quick. He's actually a pretty good guy. So, you never know, but discretion is the better part of dinner, or something like that. Sadly, I've lost touch with virtually all the women from my past. Changing states has a way of doing that.
    Thanks for correcting my mistaken assumptions.

    By Anonymous Network Geek, At 1/18/2006 02:20:00 PM  

  • Joy to read! :)

    By Blogger Miladysa, At 1/18/2006 04:33:00 PM  

  • Glad to see I'm spreading the spirit of perve in the blogosphere!

    And Egan, Jill and I like to watch...

    By Blogger ChickyBabe, At 1/18/2006 09:51:00 PM  

  • Thanks, Milady!

    And what a great job you're doing, CB. Egan, you are sooo being objectified at this moment...

    By Blogger Jill, At 1/19/2006 12:12:00 PM  

  • Geek: discretion is the what of what? huh? Could there possibly be an aphorism I've never heard?

    By Blogger Jill, At 1/19/2006 12:14:00 PM  

  • Oh, I make those up as I go. I've been thinking about starting a business: Aphorisms R Us. Not sure there's really a market for it though.

    By Anonymous Network Geek, At 1/19/2006 02:19:00 PM  

  • Voyeurs!

    By Blogger Egan, At 1/19/2006 05:54:00 PM  

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