Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Dear Ben, Dear Jerry -- Updated!

You may have noticed that I've been avoiding your calls for the past few months. That's because I didn't know how to tell you. You see... I need space. There. I've said it. Please know that this hurts me more than it hurts you.

What? No! Of course it's not you! It's me. This is all me. You've been nothing but wonderful to me, all these years--like New York Super Fudge Chunk, so reliable. And decadent. Always there to satisfy me. Sure I may have gotten a tad flustered when you stopped with the Coffee Heath Bar Crunch, but I'm a 21st century woman. I know how to do that myself. Yes, I do it just as well! Maybe better! It is your recipe, after all. (Wink, wink.)

But then last year, when you started doing that "Dublin Mudslide" thing--oh my God, it almost felt too good. Now, there's something a little bit too complex to try on my own... Just thinking about it gets me allllll--

Where was I? Oh yes. You see, Little Brother and Lisa are getting married in a few months. And there's this little satin dress... It's strapless, you see. You know how I've always wanted to wear something satin and strapless, but the time was never right, or the bikini body went on hiatus, or I didn't have the finances to back me, or... Of course you know--you've been here all along. Like that black and cream one in the window at Banana Republic that made me cry. Or the DKNY emerald green that I met in Vegas... Yes, I realize you've always taken me back when they made me cry! But this time it's for real.

Look, you said you'd never stand in my way if there was something I had to do for ME. You said you'd understand. A woman goes through changes, you know. I am not the girl I was when we met. She had two jobs, went to school, and still had the energy to go out dancing every weekend. Of course there was a place for you in her life! She could have consumed 4000 calories a day and not gained an ounce! Indeed, she did. Yes, I know she had a fling with the red bikini she discovered in London. I'm not saying she was perfect. Right, right, and then there was that beach wrap on the coast of Thailand... oooooh... what a January that was! But, you have to understand--I was thinking about YOU the entire time.

No, I mean it.

You don't have to believe me. But it's true.

I swear, I can't get you out of my head. Never could. It's like you hypnotized me. You know, "women who love too much"? I think I love you too much. And that's why I have to go. And you have to let me. I know. I know how you feel. Believe me, I feel terrible about this. But I don't want to lie to you... Excuse me?... No, I'm not going to answer that... I said, I don't want to answer that... No, that's ridiculous... FINE!

I DO love fashion more than I love you! THERE!

No. I'm not saying I don't love you. But you asked. Several times. Don't ask a question if you don't really want to hear what the truth might be. Look, I don't want to hurt you. I'm not saying this has to be forever. Maybe, in few months, we could be, like, friends with benefits. I can call you... after a long Saturday night... of dancing... after that... The calories won't make a difference after five hours of cardio. We could have fun. You know, the way we used to. You could come on over... We can sit on the deck and watch the sun rise. You always used to like that.

Well, yes, there is the dress. The dress is going to be in my life. And, well...as long as I'm confessing, there is this bikini I've had my eye on for a while. I caught it looking at me the other day. Gazing, if you must know the truth. Longingly. So, I said hello. And it said it wanted to come away with me. Where? Oh, someplace tropical. It knows exactly what I want to hear. Whispering that I haven't gone somewhere like that in sooooo long... Calling my name... so seductively...

Yes! I am going to go, and there's nothing you can do to stop me! I know I don't know it very well! I will be fine! I can take care of myself!

...When? Oh, not for a few months... Excuse me?... No... I said no!

I will NOT dignify that with a response.

You heard me.

Don't push me.

DON'T.

FINE.

YES!

I DO HAVE A REBOUND! I DO HAVE AN IN-BETWEENER!

AND HER NAME IS SWISS MISS!

THAT'S RIGHT! A WOMAN!

AND SHE KNOWS ME BETTER THAN YOU EVER WILL! SHE GIVES ME THINGS YOU NEVER COULD! SATISFACTION AT ONLY 25 CALORIES! YOU COULD NEVER DO THAT.

NEVER.

Are you happy now?

In related news, Swiss Miss has disappeared from the pantry. No word yet on possible leads, but Ben and Jerry: we're looking at you. Rumors have also circulated of someone enslaving Ms. Miss and putting her to work in a place of business. The assumed kidnapper(s!) left some crappy French Vanilla decaf coffee drink in her place. Authorities are toiling fervently to locate Ms. Miss. When asked how she felt about the disappearance, JillWrites replied "How do you think I feel, you idiot? Why do reporters always ask such dumbass questions? Is it my responsibility to fill up your airtime with my own personal anguish? Take a hike. But if you insist on coming back, bring something that actually has chocolate. Or caffeine. Or both."

Labels: , ,

posted by Jill at 3:46 PM

33 Comments:

  • I'm not sure if I'm jealous of the dress, of Swiss Miss, of Ben, of the bikini, or of Jerry... all I know is that after reading this, I feel jilted!

    Great post, Jill. Literally got me to laugh out loud, which is not what I wanted to do while on a boring conference call. Great stuff.

    By Blogger The Chronic Curmudgeon, At Wed Jan 18, 05:24:00 PM 2006  

  • Do you know, I've only ever had Ben & Jerry's once in my life. It was in a gas station in Sandpoint, Idaho, at twilight on Christmas Eve four years ago. It was bitterly cold and snowing. So we decided to have Ben & Jerry's 'Cherry Garcia'. I still remember how good it was.

    I might switch teams, now that they're free.

    By Blogger anaglyph, At Wed Jan 18, 05:42:00 PM 2006  

  • Ben & Jerry and I are on a break right now so that I will look fabulous in Vegas in a few months. I've been soothing myself with Lemon Italian ice...but let's be honest, it's not the same. *sigh*

    By Blogger Kendra, At Wed Jan 18, 05:45:00 PM 2006  

  • It's always an argument when ice cream is involved. First I scream. Then you scream. Basically, we all scream.

    So, by definition, wouldn't a relationship with Ben & Jerry be a three way?

    You're better off without them. I've heard they're frigid.

    But they are sweet.

    Hello, Jill.

    By Blogger scott, At Wed Jan 18, 06:10:00 PM 2006  

  • They do sell single serving B& J in the grocery stores here. Super Walmart for $.97 each. Not enough to satiate you, but enough to satisfy. Hersheys hot cocoa (the recipe on the box of bakers cocoa) is an excellent substitute and it is just as good from the microwave. I haven't done the calorie count, but my Mommy is particularly fond of them. Especially if my Daddy makes it (cause he makes it with love - which always makes things taste better).

    By Blogger lil'bitty, At Wed Jan 18, 06:10:00 PM 2006  

  • Have you ever considered a writing career or something similar? I mean seriously Jill, you have some talent. That inner voice is amazing. Let me know if I can be of any assistance with some type of screenplay.

    -facetious one

    Chubby Hubby is the bomb!

    By Blogger Egan, At Wed Jan 18, 06:32:00 PM 2006  

  • I can't believe I'm responsible for this break up. I'm so sorry it had to end this way. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here to lend an ear.

    By Anonymous Lisa, At Wed Jan 18, 07:50:00 PM 2006  

  • Here...have some of my little blue pills and you can borrow my strait jacket. I'm getting a little hot here... ;)

    By Blogger ChickyBabe, At Wed Jan 18, 09:43:00 PM 2006  

  • Thanks, Curmdudgeon. I'm very flattered that you feel jilted.

    They'll pretend that they love you, Anaglyph, and you'll hate yourself for it. Stick with the emu.

    No, Kendra, it's really not the same at all. :(

    Hi Scott. Thanks for the laugh. I made it easy for you today, I think. You know what? Swiss Miss--she's hot! See? I can be punny like you!

    You're right, Lil Bitty. Those single servings are terrible teases.

    Thank you, Egan. I have considered a writing career. Every day of my life since I learned how to hold a pencil. I am now in the process of finding people that will pay me for it!

    That's ok, Lisa. It's all for the best, I think. And I have other problems for you to lend your ear to.

    ChickyBabe--isn't it the blue pill that releases me from The Matrix? YES! Now I can KICK HUGO WEAVING'S ASS!!!

    By Blogger Jill, At Wed Jan 18, 09:48:00 PM 2006  

  • "Curmdudgeon". Hee hee hee. Normally, I'd be anal retentive and delete the comment with the typo. But I like that one.

    By Blogger Jill, At Wed Jan 18, 09:50:00 PM 2006  

  • Some young kid the other night on Ameircan Idol sang Frank Sinatra and Mel Torme. Did a version of Summer Wind.

    By Blogger Clinton P. Desveaux, At Wed Jan 18, 09:50:00 PM 2006  

  • Celery for me at 3 instead of Snickers! Bikinis are optional at the Lake!

    By Blogger at the Lake, At Wed Jan 18, 09:53:00 PM 2006  

  • Or 'curmdungeon', perhaps? ~ n: A grumpy jailer.

    By Blogger anaglyph, At Wed Jan 18, 10:02:00 PM 2006  

  • There is nothing worse than a "Dear Ben and Jerry" letter. OTH, I've been trying to lose a couple pounds myself and, well, it's been a long time since I flirted with those two myself.
    Though, I do remember one sad evening in my apartment in the North Suburbs of Chicago with a pint of Chocolate Fudge Brownie and a beer for dinner. It was a really rough week.

    By Anonymous Network Geek, At Wed Jan 18, 10:46:00 PM 2006  

  • I too have a special place in my heart (and various other body parts) for the Ben & Jerry's. But like Kendra, and you, we're on a break.

    I'm sorry, Marcia Marcia Marshmallow. IIIII-ee-IIII will always lo-ove yooooooooouuuu....

    By Blogger Amber, At Thu Jan 19, 12:24:00 AM 2006  

  • Hmmmm.... Never been a fan of Ben & Jerry's - other than their business model - if you've ever researched it, they are true humanitarians that make a damn good ice cream. I'm still bitter since they stopped mass producing Chubby Hubby.

    Very Creative Post Jill - took me a few paragraphs to figure out you were speaking chick lit. Your talent is very diverse. I second what Egan said.

    By Blogger Sass, At Thu Jan 19, 01:13:00 AM 2006  

  • Dear Jill,

    As much as you might like to think that we are thoroughly and totally devastated by your decision to leave us, we must confess that we've been hoping you would make this move for a long time. Yes, there was magic between us in the begining - a raised eyebrow or head turn and soon your hands were everywhere, devouring every single last ounce of us - but it hasn't been like that in a while.

    We have sensed your deep longing for something more, something different, something that we are simply illequiped to provide you with. We are more than a little happy to finally see you go and chase after what you have been wanting for so long.

    As long as we are being honest, we feel that we must confess something to you as well. We've been unfaithful to you for years. I know you may find this hard to believe, but you simply were not enough for us. You know we have an unresistable ability to draw people near; to pique their curiosity; and to satisfy their deepest inner hunger. How could we deprive all the other men and women of the world of our amazing skills. We can't say that we won't miss you, though. You're willingness to explore our many sides (flavors if you will) with such zeal is something so truly rare to find and not something that will be easily replaced. However, we are sure to find comfort in the hundreds of other women and men (yes, we said men) we have grown to know so intimately in the past several years.

    Of course, it hurts us and saddens us to see you go. We will always hold a special place for you in our hearts and savor the memories that you have given us. They were some great times, Jill. If you ever need a little reminder of how great, feel free to give us a call. When the chocolate nymph, bikini and dress have left you for something younger and prettier, we'll still know how to make it delicious.

    Sincerely,

    "Big" Ben and Jerry

    PS Sorry our response is not as verbose as your initial communication. You know we were never big on words. ;-)

    By Blogger -J, At Thu Jan 19, 08:50:00 AM 2006  

  • Jerry,

    Thanks for writing. Jill may have temporarily sworn you off, but don't fret... I am still kicking. In fact I read this blog post of Jill's yesterday and had a huge craving for some Chubby Hubby. Pretzels and caramel in ice cream is such a great idea.

    I decided it would be a good idea to eat an entire pint to myself last night. So I have done my part to keep your wonderful product moving on grocery store shelves. I will have to wait a few days until my next purchase since I still quite full.

    Thanks Jerry & Ben

    -More Dairy

    By Blogger Egan, At Thu Jan 19, 11:09:00 AM 2006  

  • Oh Jill. How I love you! Funny funny stuff. Maybe you could have a fling every now and then?

    By Blogger Kiki, At Thu Jan 19, 11:25:00 AM 2006  

  • Oh, Clinton, I missed that.

    Lake--celery is perhaps the most unsatisying of all possible veggie snacks, for me.

    I thought of that, too, Anaglyph! :)

    Oh, Geek, I know weeks like those. I think I'm having one right now. But no ice cream for me.

    Amber, I suffer with you.

    Thanks, Sass. Actually, I have read a bit about the company. I have their recipe book. (I wasn't kidding!)

    J--only hundreds? Millions, I would think.

    Well, Egan, with your workout regimen, I think you can afford it. I hope it was satisfying.

    Thanks, Kiki! Yes, there will likely be flings. But not until I get desperate.

    By Blogger Jill, At Thu Jan 19, 12:10:00 PM 2006  

  • Well, Jill, take a little Advice from your Uncle Jim on this one, okay? Beer, no matter how good, does not go well with any kind of ice cream, no matter how good. It also does not improve things to follow that witch's brew with chain smoking clove cigarettes. Very, very bad idea.
    It was a really rough week.
    I hope yours gets better.

    Oh, and from what I've seen of you on the web? I think you're lovely just the way you are right now.

    By Anonymous Network Geek, At Thu Jan 19, 12:22:00 PM 2006  

  • I was trying to spare your feelings a little.... It may even be billions.

    By Blogger -J, At Thu Jan 19, 12:35:00 PM 2006  

  • Once you experience the 4000 calorie richness that only Ben & Jerry can offer you, there will never be a substitute. Swiss Miss won't fulfill you like the boys did. Go ahead, lie to yourself and let this be your "experimental phase". All women seem to go thru it, so perhaps this is your time.

    I wish I could tell Ben & Jerry to be strong and not take you back after you left them melting at your door, but they are weak and they need you as much as you need them. They will be there to pick you up when you come to your senses and find out that the Swiss Miss girl just doesn't do it for ya.

    Ben & Jerry will welcome you back and you will spend a night in bed together reminiscing and licking up all the sweetness. Then when morning comes, you will feel guilty for indulging in your urges, but it wont' be the last you will see one another. This love affair is one you will never break. That I'm pretty sure of. It's beyond friends with benefits, it's the real deal, true love.

    By Blogger DIAMONDKT, At Thu Jan 19, 02:42:00 PM 2006  

  • If you're going to talk about yourself in a red bikini and not include any pictures, you could have at least found a sexier picture of Swiss Miss.

    By Blogger blog Portland, At Thu Jan 19, 03:44:00 PM 2006  

  • Yeah, that's how it goes these days in a global economy. Those that keep 'em apparently really like blondes in their harems. That international trafficing in blondes sure takes a toll, doesn't it?

    By Anonymous Network Geek, At Thu Jan 19, 05:18:00 PM 2006  

  • There's only one solution to all this: Jill needs a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend.

    By Blogger ChickyBabe, At Thu Jan 19, 06:29:00 PM 2006  

  • Not as satisfying as a Snickers™, but it did the trick. Chubby Hubby is the shiznit. I swam today for good measure. ChickyBabe, are you suggesting something kinky here?

    By Blogger Egan, At Thu Jan 19, 08:22:00 PM 2006  

  • We don't have that ice cream here but you seriously made me want some. Anything that can get you this worked up MUST be good.

    By Blogger Steph, At Fri Jan 20, 07:29:00 AM 2006  

  • LOL! So funny. But it's true, I have love affairs with food myself.

    By Blogger Cheryl, At Fri Jan 20, 08:53:00 AM 2006  

  • for years I thought that American men were the luckiest men on earth, it seemed that American women volunteered BJ’s at the drop of a hat….”would you like a coffee darling, or how about a BJ?”

    I’d always assumed that ‘BJ’ was a euphemism for oral sex.

    Imagine my surprise then, during a period of celibate melancholy, trolling the aisles of my local supermarket – to find, in the freezer cabinet, the “Full Vermonty”. It helped, (I’d read in lady’s magazines strewn on the coffee table in the dentist’s waiting room), to eat ice cream, a mood food indulgence configured to mend the bleeding heart and lonely genitalia.

    Which is how I found Ben & Jerry.

    And how I understood that I was wrong, but right all along, that a BJ is ‘oral sex’: “Would you like me to put your penis in my mouth darling”, “No thanks sweetie, but if you’re going to the kitchen I’d love a BJ”.

    By Blogger a fish on a bycicle, At Fri Jan 20, 09:32:00 AM 2006  

  • Hi Jill,

    As a spokesman for the Ben and Jerry company, I'd like to congratulate you on winning the final GOLD TICKET. We will fly you directly to our factory in Vermont where you will be able to eat AS MUCH ice cream of ANY FLAVOR directly from the rainbow-colored ice cream spigots for the entire weekend. You will also get to meet Ben and Jerry themselves, who will design an ice cream especially for you "Jill Will Kill (for this Ice Cream)," and you will get unlimited amounts delivered to your home daily for the rest of your life.

    Please RSVP!

    By Anonymous Neil, At Fri Jan 20, 02:04:00 PM 2006  

  • Hey all, sorry I was under the weather Thursday and I didn't get to respond to these comments. I love you guys!

    Not going to be a problem, Geek, I hate smoke and don't drink most widely marketed kinds of beer. Thanks for the advice, though!

    You are so considerate, J. A true gentleman. :)

    Very insightful, DiamondKT. I'm glad someone understands!

    Portland, if I made her look too sexy, you'd all try to steal her. Someone stole her already!

    Geek: are you trafficking in blondes?

    CB: Elusiveness. I know you appreciate it.

    Egan, the Snickers thing was just a joke, right? Because no food is EVER more satisfying than ice cream. Is it?

    Steph, I wish you could experience it. You should come to the US. We could party and eat ice cream. Once I get my new bikini, that is.

    Cheryl, a girl after my own heart!

    Fish--funny boy. It is so satisfying indeed.

    YES YES YES! I'll be there! Neil, to whom do I RSVP?

    By Blogger Jill, At Fri Jan 20, 02:42:00 PM 2006  

  • I always knew Swiss Miss was a whore. Just take a look at her and you know.

    By Blogger Megan, At Sat Jan 21, 01:59:00 PM 2006  

Post a Comment



<< Home