Tuesday, November 29, 2005

What It's Like to Be Me, Vol. II: Sexy If and Only If Math Turns You On

My father’s birthday. We go to Atlantic City to play poker. I can’t play poker recreationally. I start counting cards, calculating probabilities, and wishing I could be one of those evil geniuses who beats casinos out of large sums of money. Also, I would rather spend discretionary funds on new shoes than on gambling. I have no problem spending $20 on a dessert plate.

Last winter. My brother decides he will no longer play Clue with me. He takes one of my used note sheets—a pattern of checks and x’s and question marks that makes no sense to anyone but me—and hangs it up in the kitchen as a reminder. Grocery list; important phone numbers; reasons why no one should play logic games with my sister. I don’t know why he would do that; I'm sure he won the most that night.

Thanksgiving dinner: My cousin is in the midst of an LSAT prep course. His girlfriend is a grad student in accounting.
Girlfriend: I should have taken a prep course for the GMAT.
Me: I love the GMAT!
Girlfriend: (laughs)
My brother: She’s not kidding.
Girlfriend: But I thought you were a writer.
Me: Did I mention I used to work in test prep?

A few summers ago. The Public Theater produces Shakespeare in the Park each year. Most of the free tickets are distributed at the Public and the Delacorte Theatre in Manhattan, but representatives are also sent to the outer boroughs on certain Saturdays. Usually, the line in Staten Island is negligible, but this time my friends and I arrive to find a crowd already gathered. We get in line anyway.

People behind us: I think they only have 100 tickets.
Me: Then we probably should just leave.
Them: Huh?
Me: Well, there are 140 people in front of us. Give or take.
Them: Did you count?
Me: No.
Them: Estimation?
Me: Eyeball.

When an employee distributes numbers, I am #141.

Me: Did I mention I used to count crowds every day?


1994, or thereabouts. It is my job to inventory everything in the movie theater. Every night. Five concession stands and a stockroom. In each stand, there are four sizes of soda cups, four sizes of popcorn cups, about 20 different types of candy, and a few random items. There are hundreds of each. Total number of entries on the spreadsheet: 180. Give or take. I complete it in 50 minutes. Give or take.

Lately, things are disappearing. Money? Cups? Candy? I know my counts are perfect; the problem is somewhere else. Someone on staff is way too comfortable. My boss thinks my “emotional state” due to my “asshole boyfriend” would compromise my math. Silly man. I may have been crying in the kitchen, but math is beautiful because it is not arbitrary like an insecure nineteen-year-old actor. I go home before 1am.

When I arrive the next morning, he has recounted everything. I am fuming.
Me: Fine, if you’d rather not sleep.
Him: Well, I had to find the mistakes.
Me: Where were they?
Him: (Silence.)
Me: Did you find the money? Did you find the mistakes?
Him: There was a nacho dish hidden in the kitchen.
Me: HUH?
Him: Someone hid a nacho dish.
Me: You didn’t find any mistakes, did you?
Him: (Silence.)
Me: So you’re buying me lunch all week, huh?

Justified gloating is sweet. Like all the ice cream sundaes he bought me.

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posted by Jill at 4:48 PM

27 Comments:

  • We are exactly the same about prefering to spend money on shoes rather than gambling it away. We differ quite a bit when it comes to being good with numbers. Also, very Rainman-esque of you when you eyeballed the crowd. :)

    By Blogger Kendra, At Tue Nov 29, 06:54:00 PM 2005  

  • Um, in my opinion, you're a genius. First of all, numbers and anything to do with them so allude me that I can barely count to 5. It's a miracle when I can accurately figure out the amount (with tip) I owe cab drivers.

    I so love that you got the last laugh here! So...what's lunch gonna be this week?!

    By Blogger Marissa, At Tue Nov 29, 07:56:00 PM 2005  

  • You should tour malls around the U.S., winning all of those "count the ping pong balls" and "guess how many jelly beans" competitions.

    Did you ever watch Duck Tales growing up? Scrooge McDuck's accountant, Fenton Crackshell, had the same ability to count large quantities of objects instantaneously.

    What's my point? I'll get back to you.

    By Blogger blog Portland, At Wed Nov 30, 03:10:00 AM 2005  

  • When's Wapner on? Sorry I couldn't resist.

    By Blogger Claven, At Wed Nov 30, 04:02:00 AM 2005  

  • Very few people understand the sex in numbers. But it's like lots of things - you can't explain it. You just have to feel it.

    Have you read Mario Livio's'The Golden Ratio'? Math porn. Or Math beauty. It's kinda the same.

    By Blogger anaglyph, At Wed Nov 30, 08:07:00 AM 2005  

  • Nice. It's so cool when chicks are good at math!

    By Blogger Momentary Academic, At Wed Nov 30, 08:32:00 AM 2005  

  • Wow, you're like Rain Man only way hotter, and far less socially inept.

    It's ok that you like the GMAT. People thought I was just as crazy when I, as a history major, found organic chemistry fun.

    By Blogger -J, At Wed Nov 30, 09:02:00 AM 2005  

  • Can I have your number?

    By Anonymous peefer, At Wed Nov 30, 09:47:00 AM 2005  

  • Kendra: Shoes. I love shoes. And I loved your boot story.

    Marissa: Get one of those wallet cards that has tips already calculated for you.

    Portland: "Duck Tales! Woo-oo!"

    Claven: You're lucky you've got sexy legs.

    Anaglyph: Yes, I find The Golden Ratio very erotic.

    M.A.: I do what I can.

    J: There is something very fulfilling about carbon-bonding.

    Peefer: You leave me no choice in this one: You're so punny.

    By Blogger Jill, At Wed Nov 30, 10:22:00 AM 2005  

  • I AM the exact same way about words. I love any word games or puzzles or even if someone asks me to spell something? I'm in heaven. Oh how I adore you, words words words.

    The numbers? We have a tentative relationship at best. I've got the rudimentary life skills necessary to not go bankrupt -- but let's just keep our fingers crossed on that one, shall we?

    I love that you count crowds so Rainman-y

    By Blogger Amber, At Wed Nov 30, 11:47:00 AM 2005  

  • My mom still buys me books of the logic problems. I like those. I can't do eyeballing though, my perception is too facr off. Justified gloating is sweet.

    By Blogger Cheryl, At Wed Nov 30, 11:56:00 AM 2005  

  • My Daddy says I should be a "Carnie" and guess peoples weights. Last night on the Biggest Loser, I guessed within 2 pounds the current weight of all but 4 of the contestants and all but 2 within 5 pounds. The two that I missed were by an average of 13.5 pounds and it was for the short women (I guessed low).
    Daddy is also a math/science guy but he loves literature. He is best known for his endless supply of "useless in the real world facts" like. . . Santa Clause was actually a German duke (his real name - Nicholaus something or other) who converted to Christianity and gave presents and food to the poor children in his area to commemorate the gifts of the 3 wise men to the baby Jesus. He was later names a saint by the Catholic Church for other reasons, hence Saint Nick. Basically thats the story, give or take a minor detail. Word verification = oxmilk

    By Blogger lil'bitty, At Wed Nov 30, 02:10:00 PM 2005  

  • Funny, I was always good in science, but not so much math. As a Marketing Major, I drove the Psychology Majors nuts breezing through Physiological Psychology like it was fun. Same thing with Theories of Personality.
    I think the fact that my life didn't depend on these two classes made them easy for me. Or, I should have been a shrink.

    And, yes, justified gloating is a right one must exercise!

    By Anonymous Network Geek, At Wed Nov 30, 04:51:00 PM 2005  

  • Wow . . . I don't think I'd enjoy hanging out with you. You seem like if your boss had actually showed you a mistake, you might have flipped out on him. As the cool kids say, take a chill pill.

    By Blogger Dirk the Feeble, At Wed Nov 30, 05:56:00 PM 2005  

  • Amber: "oh how I adore you words words words" I love that!

    Lil Bitty: Wow, that's pretty talented for someone who's still into breastmilk! (Or, maybe oxmilk? You think that was a message?)

    Network Geek: Fun! I saw your other comment; I have blogger send me comment emails so I see them all. Feel free to comment on whichever backposts you like.

    Armaedes: I'm plenty chill. That happened a decade ago. I guess I wasn't clear enough; I was insulted that he assumed being upset (like a girl) would cause me to do inferior math.

    By Blogger Jill, At Wed Nov 30, 06:19:00 PM 2005  

  • Logic confounds way to may people. It always suprises me how hard it can be for some people to work through soemthing I figure out in my head fifteen minutes ago.

    I got pissed off at Idiot boss the other day when he tried to argue with me over two things I knew were right. The convo went "How do you know?" "Because I have an IQ of 148 and you're and idiot." Apparently when I get mad I get gloaty. heh.

    Now if I could just get better at remebering things I could rule the world or something ;O)

    By Blogger Chief Slacker, At Wed Nov 30, 07:34:00 PM 2005  

  • um, did you ever know that crowd estimation is my worst skill. i have said this before.
    someone: oh, how many people go to your dance class?
    me: um, anywhere between 15 and 30, i'd say.

    By Blogger Amanda, At Wed Nov 30, 09:05:00 PM 2005  

  • "math is beautiful because it is not arbitrary like an insecure nineteen-year-old actor..." Love it!

    By Blogger Serena, At Fri Dec 02, 03:27:00 PM 2005  

  • Flameon: I must admit, I'm kinda proud of that line myself. :)

    By Blogger Jill, At Fri Dec 02, 05:30:00 PM 2005  

  • Omigod you're a genius! Move over Gauss, Fermat and Godel!!!

    Seriously, it pisses me off when people imagine that maths is about counting stuff. Egad, the ignorance.

    By Anonymous a mathematician, At Sat Dec 03, 05:46:00 AM 2005  

  • Mathematician: egad, the cowardice of insulting someone without leaving a forwarding address. If you really would like to discuss concepts, you know where to find me. I promise to be less judgmental than you are.

    By Blogger Jill, At Sat Dec 03, 11:34:00 AM 2005  

  • Sure Jill, I can leave a forwarding address. Hadn't realized it was obligatory.

    Anyhoo, didn't mean to be insulting. It's just that, as a mathematician, the prevalent idea that I sit around all day counting jelly beans is kind of, er, grating. That's why I found this post amusing, and irritating, in equal parts. Mathematics is for the most part about proving theorems, or applying theorems to particular problems, depending on where you lie on the pure/applied continuum. Guestimating is just a party trick, albeit a useful one. It really doesn't have that much to do with maths.

    Not that it matters really - there are no doubt worse gaffes that one could make. But why not correct a myth given the opportunity? I hazard alot of writers feel the same way when non-writers inadvertently perpetuate certain misconceptions about *their* chosen profession.

    By Anonymous the mathematician, At Sat Dec 03, 10:58:00 PM 2005  

  • oops, forgot the 'forwarding address'. It's cryptoalice@yahoo.com.au.

    By Anonymous the mathematician, At Sat Dec 03, 11:04:00 PM 2005  

  • I do not take issue with your desire to "correct a myth", given the opportunity. What I found offensive was your sarcasm, your condescension, and your crossing over into the realm of the personal insult by using the word "ignorance." So no, it is not "mandatory" to leave a forwarding address, but it does seem to be an act of cowardice (notice I am addressing your ACT, not your PERSON) to make such a remark in anonymity.

    And something I find a tad ignorant about your comment (once again, notice I am addressing your ACTION, not YOU as a person) was that you made an assumption about my entire belief system based on one piece of creative writing that was meant for entertainment purposes. If you had merely taken the opportunity to correct a certain misconception that you thought you had identified, that would have been one thing, but your attempt at wit through that abrasive sarcasm was unnecessary.

    Additionaly, the assumptions that you made are just plain inaccurate--nowhere in my post did I assert that mathematicians do nothing but count things all day. I made no such "gaffe." I personally am well aware of what mathematicians do and I have a library of books on the subject sitting behind me that I am sure you would be surprised to see, given the assumption that you made about me.

    So while I can understand your frustration at assumptions that are made about your chosen profession, please take out your frustration on someone who actually subscribes to those stereotypes. I have a great love for the abstractions and a genuine appreciation for what mathematicians do. I would have been genuinely excited to enter into dialogue with you had you merely offered your expertise as a conversation starter.

    You would be well-advised to do a bit more research on a person before unleashing your sarcasm upon them. Often, it is not necessary to fall back upon sarcasm, personal attacks, or condescension to be heard. You will often find people to be warm, open, and receptive to what you have to say, if only you pay closer attention to how you say it.

    By Blogger Jill, At Sat Dec 03, 11:47:00 PM 2005  

  • Jill, I'm a mathematican and physicist, and I thought your post was great.

    By Anonymous anne arkham, At Mon Dec 05, 12:11:00 AM 2005  

  • Thank you, Anne.

    By Blogger Jill, At Mon Dec 05, 10:22:00 AM 2005  

  • Anytime.

    And while I'm at it, my hat's off to you. I can't do arithmetic to save my life.

    By Anonymous anne arkham, At Mon Dec 05, 01:20:00 PM 2005  

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