Validation

Two Fridays ago, I spent my evening on the phone with one of my male friends. I had really planned to spend it watching the season finale of Stargate: Atlantis, watching the utterly adorable Joe Flanigan fly cool futuristic military aircraft, but I've never been a woman to turn down a friend in need. And then there is the miracle that is Replay TV. No sacrifice necessary.

My friend was having a problem with his girlfriend. I'm not going to go into details about the problem, but I will share part of what I told him. Not because I'm so proud of myself, but because in talking to him, I had a few realizations of my own, about things I have been thinking and feeling and experiencing over the course of the past few months. He happened to be the person I was talking with at the time, and he happened to take my own startled realizations as insight. Hey, I do what I can.

The next day, he text messaged me. Could I possibly type up everything I had said to him the previous night "if it's not too much trouble." Not too much trouble at all. In fact, it's my homework. The supportive ladies in my writing group had assigned me to "write something with vulnerability." Apparently, not only am I supposed to have feelings, but as a writer, I'm supposed to get them on paper. Continue to get them on paper. Get yet more of them on paper. It's easier just to bleed. It would probably be easier to get me over my phobia of needles.

I had the girls' words running through my head when my friend called, and throughout our conversation. I was looking for an entry into something I knew I wanted to write. And I knew it had something to do with number 13 on my list of accomplishments that we (at the writing group) assigned ourselves to make on the occasion of the autumnal equinox.

Number 13: This year, I remembered what it is to just enjoy giving.

I wasn't talking about material giving, though there's nothing wrong with that. I meant giving validation. Sincere appreciation. Telling someone, "You know what, I think you're fantastic." Just because that's what you think. Not because you expect anything in return. To be able to say that to someone--and mean it--is awesome. And I use that term literally. It puts you in awe, that you just want a person to know that. That it feels good just to say it. And when you give without expecting anything, people open up to you. That's when you receive more than you would have asked for in the first place.

My friend's girlfriend does not properly appreciate him, if you ask me. She does not support him. She does not tell him that he is amazing. He deserves to be told these things. We all do. We need validation. We need support. We need someone to tell us that we are going to accomplish what we set out to do.

If you ask me, it's actually easier to appreciate someone when you're expecting nothing in return. Because you are giving from a place of independence. As a writer, I try to say what I mean. Honest appreciation is part of the job description. It's harder once it's personal. And by that time, by the time you have felt it given back to you, you just don't want to give it up. That's when it becomes hard to say what you mean. By then, you are vulnerable.

Sincere appreciation might be the key. Might be what people miss. Sex is great, but the appreciation from someone you respect is what makes you glow. When a person you truly respect says that you are amazing, you see yourself through their eyes. And what you see is what you always hoped you would see: the you that you’ve always hoped you would be. They see it because it is there.

And you may be dumbstruck, and not have a clue what to say, but what you will be thinking is "You see me the way I've always seen me ideal self. Wow. Could that be real?"

Yes, it's real.

But take it from me--what you should be thinking of is what to say next. Though if they already appreciate you enough to tell you, then you could probably say something utterly idiotic and they would probably find that endearing as well.