Dear Crabtree and/or Evelyn

I understand that you are continually pressed with the responsibility of figuring out how to sell more luxury bath products to women who already have bathrooms full of products that they don't use. And so, your marketing gurus try to get into the minds of the demographic.

They query: "What would women really want you to bring them INSTEAD of a $14 bar of soap that will do the same thing as a $2 bar of Dove? Who is our sworn enemy, the Chosen One that magnetically draws all of the revenue that we wish for?"

And then all of your Corporate Knights of the Marketing Round Table Discussion That Doesn't Really Do Anything But Waste Your Employees' Time furrow their metrosexually-waxed brows and ponder.

And ponder.

And ponder.

"Ahhh..." one offers, triumphantly.

(Wait, let me format that again...)

"AHHHHHHH!"

"Perhaps what they would really like instead of our grossly overpriced glycerine is something they could actually savor and enjoy. Something that brings satisfaction! They really want..."

(Here's where one of them gets up and plays the trumpet...)

"DESSERT!"

But there is dissention in the ranks.

"Oh, but aren't all those poor misguided female souls constantly dieting?"

"Hey, here's a brilliant idea! Why don't we package the soaps AS IF they were dessert! Won't they be satisfied then! Then we can call them GUILTLESS TREATS and all those gullible double-X chromosomes will be satisfied with the pretty packaging but proud that they have not indulged their decadent, whorish desires for real sweets!"

UMMMM...NO.

Here's how it really works:

No one should ever go out of their way to make soap look edible. It's soap.

You sell soap.

Not food.

It's not a treat unless I can eat it.

I can't eat soap.

Therefore, it should not be packaged as food.

And by the way...

I don't feel guilty about my desserts.

I am not, in fact, "on a diet." Unless you want to go with the primary definition of diet, and if you do...well..we're all on some kind of diet.

I'm not distracted by pretty packaging.

Eventually I will figure out what's inside.

As in, the second I read the package. (I'm literate, you know.)

Then, you will really have ticked me off because I will realize that it's not edible.

And you will have insulted me with your pandering.

In conclusion...

Stop trying to convince well-meaning gift-buyers that I will be thankful that this "treat" saved me from having to exercise self-control. I would much prefer the chocolate and am perfectly capable of regulating my own appetites.

Just package your soap as soap. If it cleans me and it smells clean, I will buy it.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Jill