"Bad" Boys

Alright, Tim. I'm sure you didn't mean to, but you opened Pandora's Box. Thanks for the inspiration. Here goes.

At a certain point in the evolution of a girl's psyche, the stereotypical bad boy persona does seem intriguing. James Dean...Han Solo...Bender in The Breakfast Club... This is generally about the time when she is trying to find the guts to tell the world "this is who I am and if you don't like it, that's your problem." Because these guys are already doing that, their seeming disregard for the norms is exciting.

Some of these girls grow up--not just chronologically, by psychologically. To be more precise, psychosexually. Some of these girls find it inside themselves to go through the "bad" stage, or to skip that and go straight to "yep, this is who I am." And these girls (of course, now they're women) realize that those "bad" boys who seemed so intriguing now just seem like they're trying too hard. These women become more intrigued by actual men--which is not to say that these men don't have something of the transformed "bad" boy remaining in them.

I will now abandon the generalizations--what I know best is the specifics of my own psyche, followed closely by those of my closest female friends/relatives. I'm not sure how typical we are because I haven't had a chance to do the research, so I can't claim to be speaking for femaledom in general--but I can tell you where we're at.

We're adults. We know that adults need to hold down jobs, function in the world, pay the bills. We don't seek out the blatant rebels as we did at sixteen. Been there, done that. Therefore, it is the man who can function in world--excel in the world (because we're a bunch of over-achievers)--and still retain glimmers of unadulterated youthful passion beneath the veneer of adult competence. The man who speaks and acts appropriately (preferably, disarmingly charmingly) in public, but (to the eye of trained observer) clearly has thoughts he knows he probably shouldn't in most cases speak aloud and impulses that perhaps are better left un-acted-upon. He hasn't been neutered--he just has control.

This is what captures our imagination. This is what makes us wonder--because that's what it does. It makes us wonder. What exactly is going on in there and when is he going to let me in on it? What exactly is he capable of and how will he handle it when he realizes I'm just as capable? How far does that control go?

This is why I quoted from Kim's play--"a worthy adversary." It's not that we're regarding the relationship between the sexes as some sort of Machiavellian wargame. We're not looking for war. We're just looking for men self-possessed enough to be able to stand up to our competence without feeling threatened. In fact, he should find female competence as sexy as we find male competence.

We still like a bit of the "bad" boy--in private. But it takes an actual man to deliver on that in the presence of a woman who has developed past her fascination with the stereotype. A "bad" boy is all style and no substance. A worthy adversary doesn't feel the need to seem formidable--because he actually knows he is.

In the words of my original favorite (though fictional) worthy adversary (Tim, these comparisons should really speak to you): “Seems,” madam? Nay, it is. I know not “seems.” Or to draw another parallel—and I mean this in all seriousness—this is why Christian Bale’s portrayal is the ideal Bruce/Batman: he knows he can be light and even silly by day because he’s confident in the formidability of his alter ego.

So gentlemen (especially those who are concerned about those big milestone birthdays)—I hope this clarifies, gives you hope, helps you cope with not being seventeen anymore. Ladies, am I right?